We’ve all felt the exasperation of asking kids to do something only for it to fall on deaf ears. We repeat our direction, often resulting in more non-action, until finally we are yelling. We hate that we have succumbed to yelling, and they hate that we are yelling at them.
Why don’t kids do what we ask of them? If we could figure it out, it might lead us to another, better way of communicating.
Here are 10 reasons why kids don’t do what you tell them to do.
1) They didn’t process the request.
This is particularly true of very young children. If you ask a three year old to go to the corner of the classroom and pick up her toys and put them on the shelf, you are not likely to get compliance. You lost her in the three part direction- she heard “go in the corner of the classroom,” where you find her happily dumping out a bin of blocks.
Many older children also have processing delays; they hear part of the request and forget the rest. Try giving simple directions. Use picture clues such as signs. Another idea is to give cues. For example, before we can go to lunch there are three things I need you to do. Listen for the three things. First… then second… then lastly… Ask children to repeat the directions.
2) They didn’t hear the request.
Let’s face it, it is a noisy world. Maybe a child has still has their ear buds in from their time on the computer. Maybe there is a lot of peripheral noise. Many people have difficulty hearing in a noisy environment. At school, today’s classrooms often include multiple teachers working with multiple groups. Excessive noise can be a challenge.
Make sure you have attention before giving a request. Use hand or light signals. Look them in the eye. Try a loud whisper or a catchy call back to attract attention. If they don’t hear you, they can’t comply with your request.
3) They don’t understand the reason for the request.
As much as we might like to think “because I said so” is a good reason, children often respond well to a request when they understand the motivation for the task. Saying ” I don’t want you to walk around the classroom right now” becomes a challenge to be contested. Explaining that you don’t want them to walk around the classroom at the moment because you are giving important directions that will help them with their homework works better.
Children might see a fire drill is an opportunity to talk to their friends. When the teacher explains that it is important that they to be quiet so that she can listen for fire safety personnel or to hear if someone needs help, they are likely to move through the halls quietly. Whenever possible, give children reasons why you want them to do something.
4) The task is too challenging.
This might not apply to simple tasks such as asking a child to put on her shoes, but it often applies to tasks such as homework. A struggling reader might shut down when confronted with the task of reading a long chapter of a book that is beyond their reading level. A child who feels that playing a musical instrument is too hard or the requested practice time is too long will not practice.
In the classroom, children may not understand the directions and give up if the work seems too difficult. For many students, it feels better to not complete work than try it and fail. They would rather be known as a trouble maker than as a failure.
Make sure work is at a level that is not too easy, but also not too hard. Encourage students by helping them to understand that trying and doing something wrong is an opportunity for learning.
5) The task is not challenging enough.
Students often reject tasks that are not challenging as “boring” or a “waste of time.” If a student can successfully complete ten two digit subtraction problems, do they really need to complete 100 more? Our brains like novelty and interesting things. Rote copying of answers directly from the textbook to the paper does not stimulate interest or curiosity. Whenever possible, make sure tasks have some level of challenge.
Sometimes we do need to do repetitious or boring tasks. Anyone who has ever played airplane to get a small child to eat vegetables understands the power of fun and novelty. When you ask children to pick up the classroom, turn on the timer on your phone to make it a game. See if they can beat their best time. Practicing spelling words? See if you can find ten different ways to spell them- with a pen, by writing with your hand on someone’s back, writing with your foot by making letters in the air…
6) They are meeting a personal need.
You talk to your class about the importance of using kind words when disagreeing. Then, to your dismay, you find out that one of your students used unkind words to exclude another student from her social group immediately after school. The exclusionary language might have been a method for your student to gain peer approval or social status from other students. Her need for peer approval is higher than the need for teacher approval, so she doesn’t do what you asked.
Another example is typical of playground behavior. You tell a child not stop fighting with his peers at recess. He continues to fight. He might be fighting to meet a need for power; as long as he can hit other kids he feels powerful.
When a child’s behavior is caused by their desire to meet a particular need, often you can help the child figure out a better way to get their needs met. Ask questions. What does it mean to be “popular” and how else can you gain popularity? Likewise, what other things could a child do to feel more powerful? What opportunities could you find to give a child power in positive ways?
7) They feel a need for autonomy.
No one, including children, likes to be controlled 100% of the time. Think about how you feel when you are micromanaged. You like to have some control over your tasks and how they are done. Children do as well.
If children never have choices, they may refuse to cooperate with requests. Children who don’t complete homework despite adult requests may perform better if they are taught to set up a schedule and to choose which homework to do first. Many students will take more responsibility for their work when they are allowed to chose a datebook or planner and keep track of their own work. If children are used to someone else constantly dictating what they do and when they do it, they are not likely to want to or be able to manage without that constant reminder. Children need to be taught skills that will allow them to be independent.
8) They don’t like or respect you.
It is human nature to resist doing something for someone we don’t like. Children are often reluctant to do something for someone they don’t respect. Many adults believe that they deserve respect just by being adults, but many children and adolescents don’t see it that way. Respect is more of a two way street. It is given and earned on both ends.
If you think that respect is at the heart of the issue, ask yourself why. What can you do to build respect? The way to solving this problem is by building relationships. Do you treat the young person with respect? Do you ask about and care about their experiences and feelings? Do you listen to them? Do you take their perspective into consideration? Building relationships takes time, but is worth it.
9) The timing of the request is off.
Sometimes, students fail to complete a request because the time is not right. For example, students might not complete homework directly after school because they are hungry or thirsty or need some physical activity after a long day of sitting. Being extremely tired is another reason for slacking; think of how much work you get done when you are very tired.
In Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, our basic needs, such as the need for food, water, air and sleep come before anything else. Take these needs into consideration before asking children to comply with a task.
10) They are suffering from traumatic experiences.
This is the big stuff, bullying, violence in the home, abuse. Some children live in violent neighborhoods. Others are often hungry. Their focus is on existence, with little energy left for anything else. After the most basic human needs for survival, Maslow’s next step tells us that we must feel physically and emotionally safe before we can learn or attend to other tasks. Some psychologists note that childhood trauma is a form of PTSD.
Children who are traumatized have bigger issues than following directions. Their safety needs must be met before they can work on other things. There are no quick fixes here. Do your best to get to the bottom of the issue, and get help from a professional such as a school counselor, social worker, mental health professional or a physician.
This is not an exhaustive list, but it will give you some things to think about when you feel frustrated when children don’t do what you ask.
What other things have you found to be effective? We would love to hear your ideas in the comments below.
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