Tips for Giving and Receiving Advice

S. 4 E. 49

Listen to this episode to learn what to do when you are the receiver of unsolicited advice and how to best give advice that will be welcomed by others.  

Show notes:

Episode Summary:

In the last day, week or month, how many times have you been given advice at work or in your personal life? How many times have you given advice to someone else in this same time period? In this episode, we will explore what to do when you are the receiver of unsolicited advice and what you can do make sure the advice you give is useful and welcomed.

In This Episode: 

The following show notes are a summary of the content we discussed on the podcast. In order to hear all of the discussion and examples, please listen to the podcast.

Introduction:

Advice. We have all given it and we have all received it. Sometimes, we ask for advice. For example, you may ask your mentor or friend for advice on a new skill you are learning that they have mastered and you want to learn from them so you don’t make the same mistakes.

Often, advice is unsolicited, meaning the receiver of the advice did not ask for it. In all likelihood, the person giving the advice had good intentions but the effect on the receiver is often stress or feelings of shame or being judged.

You can see why advice giving and receiving can easily lead to hard feelings and miscommunication, though that is rarely the intention.

Today we’re going to explore the reasons people give unsolicited advice, how you best respond to advice, and how to most effectively give advice that will be welcomed when you have ideas to share.

Why do people give unsolicited advice?

The majority of the time, unsolicited advice is not meant to be harmful, in fact the person giving that advice probably thinks they are being very helpful. They often walk away from the conversation feeling like they did a good thing. But that is usually not what the receiver feels. It is common for the receiver of the advice to feel irritated, judged or criticized.

Paula:  I can think of lots of times that has happened to me. The situations that pop into my mind first are all from the years that my husband and I struggled with infertility. The unsolicited advice came almost daily, “If you would just relax it would happen. You aren’t relaxed enough.” “You need to try this supplement.”  “You are going to which doctor?  Oh no, you need to go to the doctor my cousin went to. She got pregnant right away. You just need to switch doctors.”

Though none of these people had seen any of the test results, nor did they understand the hundreds of hours and procedures we had already done to try and remedy the infertility, they were quick to offer me quick fixes that were sure to work. These were NOT bad people. Though some did not know me well, most knew and loved us.

We regularly give advice on this podcast. We mean for it to be helpful, but we also have an explicit understanding that you are allowed to accept or implement it, or not. We also try to follow some of the of the best practices for giving advice we’ll talk about in a minute.

So why, if advice can sometimes be hurtful, do people give it?

Here are just a few of the most common reasons people give unsolicited advice.

People just want to help.

They want to make your life easier and the only way they think they can help you is to share information with you through advice, especially if you are talking with them about a problem you are having.

Consider this example. Imagine you are a new teacher. You share with the teacher across the hall that you are struggling with a particular student. You aren’t asking advice you are just sharing what that student is doing in class that is disruptive. However, the veteran teacher starts giving you point after point of unsolicited advice.

By the time you walk away from the conversation, you are doubting your ability to teach as you clearly don’t know as much as she does. The veteran teacher walks away feeling that even though she can’t be in the classroom to help you, she shared some of her best wisdom and feels like she has mentored you in some small way.

They are trying to be friendly and make a connection.

For some reason, giving advice has become a conversation starter in our society.

Imagine the new mother in the grocery store line with the crying baby in her cart. She is already stressed. The woman behind her feels bad for the new mother, wants to be friendly and make a connection but doesn’t know where to start. So, she decides to talk about the crying baby by giving advice. “My daughter used to cry like that all the time too. Do you know what worked for me? I …..”

The new mother walks away feeling judged on her mothering abilities and the woman who gave the advice walks away feeling glad that she could pass along her wisdom to the new mother.

They have a similar experience they want to share with you.

Your experience made a connection in their brain or heart and they want to share but don’t know how to do that in a better way than giving you advice. When this happens, you can often feel like your story or problems were hijacked or one-upped by the advice giver.

Imagine you are sharing a story with your friend about an in-law you find difficult to deal with. The friend responds with, “I had the same issue with my in-law. They did ….. so here is what I did to remedy that…You should try it too.”

You feel like your story was cut off and hijacked by the advice giver.  The advice giver often walks away feeling like it was a nice conversation over your shared experiences.

In all of these examples, there was no ill-intent on the part of the advice giver. Their motivations are sincere and they truly believe that they are helping you or making a deeper connection with you.

That is not to say there is never ill-intent on the advice giver’s part. You will have people in your life who give advice for selfish or cruel reasons, like to put you down or to create drama, but those instances are hopefully few and far between.

How to respond to unsolicited advice. 

Just because someone gives you unsolicited advice, it does not mean you need to take it. When you are given unsolicited advice, here are a few suggestions on how to best respond:

• Remind yourself of their intentions. Do you think they were trying to judge you or make you feel bad? Probably not.
• Be mindful to not receive the advice for more than it was. It can be easy to perceive the advice as judgement, a put down or a slap in the face. Label the advice for what it is- someone caring enough to try and help you. Looking at it from that way can feel less stinging.
• Decide if the advice really is helpful or not. If we don’t even consider it, we may be missing out on something that could actually help us. If it is helpful, or parts of it are helpful, pick the parts that you want to consider and let the rest go.
• Don’t assume you already know everything and don’t be quick to dismiss their advice just because you didn’t ask for it. There may a lot you can learn from the person giving the advice. You may even want to have further conversations with them where you do solicit their advice.
• Thank them for caring. Their advice came from a place of caring, once you remind yourself of that, you can also thank them for caring. They will likely be thrilled that you noticed their caring.
• Set up boundaries for future advice. You can say something like, “Thank you for caring. Those are helpful ideas. If I need any more ideas, I will be sure to come to you and ask for them.”  This switches the dialogue to one that you can control.

How to give advice that will be useful and welcome.

We have discussed why people give advice, and what to do if you are the receiver of unsolicited advice, so now let’s talk about when you have advice to give.

Giving advice, even unsolicited advice, can be helpful to others if given in the right way.

An article in the Harvard Business Review, entitled The Art of Giving and Receiving Advice, pulled together what they considered best practices for seeking and giving advice based on academic research and practical wisdom from people who are actually doing the work, including educators.

The Harvard Business Review’s  5 stages for best advice giving:

1. Finding the right fit.

Make sure the giver and receiver are a good match and have the other’s best interests at heart. The better the understanding of what the people and the situation need, the better the fit. Decide if you are right fit for giving advice or if there is someone who could better help them.

2. Developing a shared understanding.

Ask the person what they want or need. Once you have a shared understanding of what the other person wants and needs, you can decide what role you can or should play in advice giving.

3. Crafting Alternatives.

Approach this with problem solving mindset. Remember that your experience or opinion are just one of many. The Harvard Business Review suggests that you think of yourself as a driving instructor. They say that “while you provide oversight and guidance, your ultimate goal is to empower the seeker to act independently.”

4. Converging on a decision.

It may not be your job to help the person come to a decision. Encourage the person to seek multiple opinions before making a choice. If they are trying to come to a decision, ask them how you can help. If they are trying to solve a problem, and seem to be listening to your advice, pause to see how they gauge how comfortable they are with the advice they are getting. If they seem uncomfortable with the advice, stop giving it.

5. Putting the advice into action.

When you are the person giving advice, you should step back at this stage. If it is your boss, this may not  be a choice. Sometimes, a principal will tell you what to do. But in general, the actions that the person takes, or does not take, are theirs not yours. This is important so they can take accountability for their own actions and so they don’t blame you if the advice does not work.

Whether you are the giver or the receiver of advice, the most important this is to remember the perspective of the other person and the impact that you are having on them. Be mindful of what is shared, how it is shared, and the well-meaning intention behind the advice.

We end with a well know quote that summarizes advice giving, “Be sincere when giving advice and humble when receiving advice.”

Recap:

Before we go into the recap, if this topic is of interest to you and you would like to explore it more, check out episode 33 where we discussed intent versus impact.

Advice, often unsolicited, occurs regularly in our work and home environments. The majority of the time, unsolicited advice is not meant to be harmful, in fact the person giving that advice probably thinks they are being very helpful. Knowing how to accept that advice, and making sure you are giving useful advice yourself, can eliminate hard feelings and misunderstandings.

Quote:

“Be sincere when giving advice and humble when receiving advice.”

Ancient Islamic saying

Resources mentioned in this episode:

The Art of Giving and Receiving Advice– Harvard Business Review

Related Episodes/Blog Posts:

Inspired Together Teachers Podcast Episode 33 Intent vs Impact

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