Build Better Relationships and Cultivate Community
Season 6 Episode 81
Listen to this episode for simple tips to help you build better relationships and create strong community in your classroom and in your life!
Show Notes:
Episode Summary:
Have you ever wished that you had better relationships in your work or home life? Or do you wish that you felt a better sense of community with others? As people, we are naturally social animals. We are constantly in relationship with others and, unless we are hermits, are participating in multiple communities at a time.
In this episode we explore how to build better relationships and to cultivate more meaningful communities in our work and home lives. Positive relationships matter. Belonging, true belonging, to communities matters. You won’t want to miss this episode as we explore how to build better relationships and cultivate meaningful communities in our lives.
In this episode:
Positive relationships have the ability to unleash untapped potential in our students. We talk about uncovering hidden potential often. As teachers, we recognize tapping into hidden potential as part of our purpose, but it also works in our personal lives.
Positive relationships enhance our physical, social, and emotional or mental well-being. Positive relationships can lessen the effects of stress and anxiety. There is so much focus on SEL schools today, and this is an area that addresses SEL skills in simple but effective ways.
Here are some strategies you can use at school and in your personal life to build positive relationships and build communities with others.
Call people by their name.
Everyone likes to be called by name. In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie said, “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”
Using students’ names when you talk to them is a sign of respect. Ask students how to pronounce unfamiliar names and if they prefer a variation or nickname. Greet students at the door each morning using their names. Call on students by name. Knowing names may seem like an obvious step, but making a real effort here shows students that you care about them and see them as an individual.
This works in real life as well. When you great someone, use their name. The same is true when you call or text someone. It takes an extra few seconds, but it is more personal. As a bonus, saying someone’s name when you first meet them will help you to remember their name.
Paula: When I meet people with unique names, I am mindful to say their name correctly. I don’t want to give them a nickname as that dismisses the beauty of their given name. I also try not to mispronounce their name. I will often say, “I want to make sure that I am pronouncing your name correctly. How do you say it?” I then repeat it back aloud for confirmation and will often repeat it in my head a few times after to get it to stick.
If you think this isn’t important, think about new parents. They spend a lot of time choosing their children’s names. It is important to them. Our names are part of our identity. It is important to get names right.
Share a little about yourself with others.
This is harder for some people than others. Some people are an open book, they share everything about themselves easily. Others are more reserved and carefully choose what and when they will share something with others.
When trying to build relationships with students, it is important to create a two-way street. If you want to learn about them, you have to be willing to share something about yourself. Tell a funny story about your dog. Talk about your favorite sports or activities. Share a read aloud from your favorite book. Share how you struggled to learn something and what you did to finally learn it.
One teacher shared with us that her students were fascinated by her new baby’s name. Now, they always want to know what her baby is doing- crawling, dumping out the contents of drawers and spitting up peas. There is such a sense of joy because they know something about their teacher. They know the baby’s name and they feel a part of her life outside of school. It is okay to let them know you don’t live at school!
Students will respond better to someone they know, like and trust.
This is true in your personal life as well. You don’t have to over share or share things that you want to be personal, but it can be difficult to know, like, and trust someone who holds are their cards close to their chest that you can’t develop a relationship.
Michele: A close friend has a husband who is very shut down. He rarely interacts with us which makes him difficult to get to know. It isn’t that we don’t like him, but we don’t know anything about him or he us. That is a difficult way to build a relationship. It is hard to build a sense of know, like, or trust with someone who doesn’t let you in.
Paula: I often find this is the time when you can be vulnerable, and show others that you can empathize with them. This can be a fine line…when someone is sharing a story, you don’t want to say, “me too” and then take over their story. However, once they have shared their story, you can be vulnerable and share yours as well if you think it will help the two of you to better connect.
Get to know people as individuals.
Building good relationships with students involves getting to know who your students are as individuals. Ask about their interests, backgrounds, families, and favorite activities. Most teachers know these things about students. You can also dig a little deeper.
Give students interest inventories or have younger students draw pictures of things that are important to them. Look at student records to find out about medical issues such as allergies or any other special concerns.
Ask them to answer questions such as “How can I help you learn best?” Other good questions are “Tell me about a time when learning was fun and easy for you,” and “Tell me a time when learning was a struggle for you.”
Be sure to check students’ IEPs and understand the type of accommodations you will need to provide. Ask for clarification if something is not clear. The IEP always starts with information about the student and their level of performance, both academically and socially. What are their strengths? The IEP is a great source of information, especially for non verbal learners.
The more you know about students as learners, the better you can help them learn.
Think about how this applies with your relationships to others. Do you understand people’s favorite foods, hobbies or interests? Do you see and recognize their individual strengths? Make a habit of recognizing what makes them unique or special and pointing it out to them.
We love the tool of the Enneagram because it helps us to understand people – what their gifts are, how they are motivated, and how they like to be seen or noticed. We have a five episode series on the Enneagram, which is linked below.
Michele: I try to make it a practice to point out someone’s special gifts. For example, I have a friend who is a financial genius. I might ask her a question about something related to finances. I also remind her that she is gifted in this area and I trust her judgement about finances more than anyone else I know. Does she know this? Of course, but she also struggles with confidence. It feels good not to be taken for granted. Who doesn’t like to hear that their special skills are valued? She knows that I see her special gifts. Another friend makes beautiful handmade cards for every occasion and when I thank her, I also add that she makes beautiful cards or point out something special in her design. It makes me feel good to notice her and I’m sure it makes her feel good as well.
Paula: I find this is where the deeper connection happens. We are drawn to people who have a like experience to ours so once we find a connecting experience, preference, or dislike, we have an established base for a relationship. For example, the other day I was talking with a young couple that I don’t know too well. We were left alone together for a short period of time. There could have been moments of silence. Instead, we bonded over the fact that we both had multiples in our family. The young couple, who are just starting their family discussed how multiples run in their family and how their lives will change if their first baby becomes multiple babies. We bonded in just minutes and that is a connection we will share the next time we meet.
This is the rewarding part of building relationships.
In addition to building better relationships, we should also all be on the lookout for ways to cultivate community.
Spend time building a positive community.
There is a lot of research out there about the importance of community in our lives.
People who engage in strong communities have been shown to have increased mental and physical health. Being in a community can also increase your sense of belonging. People who engage in strong communities have been shown to have lower blood pressure, reduced risk of obesity, and even reduced cholesterol levels. Creating and joining in communities can make you live longer, healthier, and happier lives.
Most teachers understand how this works in a classroom. Students who know, like, and understand each other will work better together. Time spent building a positive classroom community is always time well spent.
At the beginning of the year, many teachers did community building activities in their inservices. You may not have appreciated this, many teachers groan about community builders, but the teachers who were new to your district or those who are shy and find it difficult to approach other teachers likely found it beneficial and are grateful for a chance to build community with their colleagues. As a bonus, you probably laughed together and got to know some people better.
Use community building activities during the first weeks of school that help students to get to know each other. There many available activities, use your favorites or search for more on line. Build in time for the students to get to know and like each other. Make sure to join in so they can get to know and like you too!
Here’s a little secret for those who think building community is a waste of time. Building community also reduces classroom management issues. Those community building activities can actually increase the amount of instructional time you have!
You can also build positive communities in your personal life. You may already do these things, but you can also be intentional about it. Maybe you are the one who brings a group of friends together for something fun. Or maybe you are the one that always introduces a friend to someone else you think she would like to know.
Michele: My family is important to me and I am very intentional about being the family host. I joke that I bought a different house because I didn’t have room for my family. Secretly? It isn’t a joke. I did it. Now I host baby showers and wedding showers and graduations and Christmas. Building that positive community of support is important to me and I make time for it.
Paula: I have several different communities I belong to in my personal and work lives and I get something different from each of them- book club, mastermind, high school friend group, parent friend group, teaching partner groups, etc. They all bring me joy and intellectual stimulation in very different but equally important ways. Last week I kayaked with a friend group, which I would never do with other groups but it was exactly what I needed at that time.
If you don’t have different community groups, it is not too late. Find community activities with interest you have and join them. Or, you can build your own groups around your interests and invite others to join you.
Whether the need to build better relationships or cultivate stronger community, or both, spoke to you today, we encourage you to be intentional to have both in your life. Life is easier and longer if we don’t go it alone.
Erik Erikson, who you may remember from your college Ed. Psych class, said this, which sums up the power of relationships well, “Life doesn’t make any sense without interdependence. We need each other, and the sooner we learn that, the better for us all.”
Recap:
As world gets more and more divisive, it becomes more important to build better relationships and stronger communities in our lives. Strong relationships and well-cultivated communities are not only a major factor in happiness research, they are shown to actually increase the length of our lives! It pays to be intentional in how we know and interact with other people in our lives. It not only helps us to be our best, it allows us to help others to be their best.
Quote:
“Life doesn’t make any sense without interdependence. We need each other, and the sooner we learn that, the better for us all.”
Erik Erikson
Related Episodes/Blog Posts:
The Enneagram Types 8,9, and 1
The Enneagram Types 2, 3 and 4
The Enneagram Types 5, 6 and 7
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Co-hosts Paula Schmidt and Michele Vosberg are award winning educators with the experience and skills to help teachers thrive in life and work. They’ve taught at all levels, worked with thousands of teachers, and conducted workshops around the world. They are also the authors of the #1 best-selling book The Inspired Teachers Journal: A Weekly Guide to Becoming Your Best Self.
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