How to Build Better Relationships: Lessons from Our Pets S. 5 E. 73

Check out this episode if you are a pet lover! We’re sharing tips on how to build better relationships that we’ve learned from some of our best relationships- those with our pets!

 Show Notes: 

Episode summary:

Relationships are complex. We all want to build better relationships but sometimes all of the complicating factors that accompany relationship get in the way.

In this episode, we discuss ways to build better relationships by examining the lessons we can learn from some of the most uncomplicated and genuine relationships we have. What relationships are those? The relationships we have with our pets!

Though this episode is lighthearted and fun, it is also important. Our pets have a lot to teach us about building better relationships. All we have to do is listen and learn from them. We hope you’ll join us today to do just that!

Introduction:

Building healthy and strong relationships is one of the most important things you can do in your life.

We have referenced this in other episodes, but it is worth repeating- having strong relationships in your personal life can increase your happiness, your physical and mental health, and can even increase your lifespan.

Having strong relationships can help you feel less alone and can offer you support and guidance to help you make it through the tough times.

In our professional lives, we know that building relationships with students is vital to their success. Students will learn more from teachers who have taken the time to build a relationship with them. As relationships grow, student motivation increases and behavior problems decrease.

Having strong and healthy relationships with our colleagues is also important for our happiness. If you haven’t listened to episode 62 of this podcast, titled Teachers Supporting Teachers, check it out for proof of why healthy and productive relationships with our colleagues are so needed.

There are hundreds of community building activities and strategies to help you build relationships both in and outside of your classroom. These activities are useful, but sometimes they aren’t enough. Relationships are fraught with complexities so building strong relationships is often easier said than done.

To really find what works in building better relationships, it is useful to go back to the basics- studying the least complex components of relationship building first and then building off of those basics.

It’s sort of like a game of chess. You don’t learn chess by studying the most complex moves first. You start with the basics,  the moves that are simple and obvious. Once these moves are perfected, you are ready to play a more complex game of chess.

So today, we are going to take a lesson from what are arguably the easiest and least complex relationships around- those we have with our furry friends.

Background about our pets:

Michele: I am a cat person.

Paula: and I am a dog person.

Michele: Today I will be talking about the relationship building lessons I learned from my cat “Sassy” quite a bit so I want to tell you a little about her. When my cat Cozy died, her buddy Gatsby moped around the house. They had been best friends, and Gatsby seemed sad and lonely. We decided to get another cat from the Humane Society.

I should have known that my choice was fraught with challenges. I found “Maybelle” isolated in a room away from the other cats. She had been found, skinny and starving, in a heavily trafficked urban neighborhood. She was medically fine, but non-cooperative. She refused to eat until she was given an appetite stimulant.

On the day I found her, she had eaten, and thus, her status was changed to “adoptable.”

I loved the way her eyes watched me when I walked into the room and followed me as I moved around. When we let her out of the cage, she climbed onto a cat tree, but wouldn’t come near. She watched us carefully, more curious than afraid. She let me pet her for a second before moving away.

I am not a first- time cat Momma. I’ve had several rescue cats, including feral kittens. Those big green eyes and curious looks had me from the beginning. I was up for the challenge. She came home with us.

Advised to keep her isolated at first, we put her in the guest room. She ran under the bed and refused to come out. I made sure she had food, water and clean litter. She did not eat. She would not let me touch her.

This went on for days, and then weeks. She could not be tempted by cat treats. I would sit in the room with her, on the floor with a book or my computer, so that she could get used to me. She watched me, always curious, but did not come near.

After two weeks, I feared she would starve to death. I would have taken her back to the Humane Society but I could not get near enough to her to pick her up. She was feisty, and her claws quickly turned into weapons.

“It’s like she’s a stranger,” I remarked to my husband.  “A stranger in a new country.  A Sassenach.”

Sassenach is the Gaelic/Scottish word for foreigner, a word which I’d picked up from the books and TV series Outlander.

We dubbed her Sassenach, but due to her belligerent personality, she quickly became “Sassy” for short.

I started bribing her with cat treats. She would look at them, and appear interested but would not take them. I started leaving them in the room when I left, and eventually, I found them gone in the morning. The cat treats kept her alive.

Eventually we became friends. Now she follows me everywhere, often just happy to be in the room with me.

How did we move from being wary and distant to being friends? In the same way that we can build relationships with complex people in our lives.

Paula: Before we get into these lessons, I will tell you a bit about my dog “Bear.” My son named her Bear because she looks a bit like a mix between a brown bear and a teddy bear. She is a big girl! When we adopted her from the Humane Society she was 47 pounds and we were led to believe she was full grown.  47 lbs was big enough to qualify her as a little bear. Unfortunately, she was not fully grown and now I have a 93 pound dog who really does look like a small brown bear.

When we got Bear she was the opposite of Sassy. Bear was very social but was very unaware of any social boundaries. She assumed that everyone wanted to be licked or jumped on by her. Convincing her that she was not a lap dog was difficult. Bear had spent her first six months on a screened in porch with one other dog, not ever walking on concrete until we got her and not interacting a lot with people. People clearly have different boundaries than another dog, but she didn’t know that.

So what important, basic lessons about building better relationships can we learn from our pets?

As we mentioned, both of our pets came to us with tough pasts. But pets don’t bring all of the complexities that people do. Let’s explore the basics that we can learn from our pets that will help us all when building better relationships in people our work and home lives.

Build better relationships by noticing them.

Don’t we all want to be seen? To know that someone has noticed us? People may not make it as obvious as animals, but we all want to be seen.

Michele:  From the beginning, Sassy watched me. I watched her back. When she was in hiding, I would peak at her under the bed but not try to grab her or bring her out. Even now I will catch her looking at me to see if I am looking at her. She wants me to notice her. She will raise her head so I can pet her.

Paula: Bear is so completely obvious that she wants to be seen that it is almost impossible to ignore her. She has no pretenses so she will drop her ball right in your lap, no matter how busy you are, to let you know that she wants to be seen. As annoying at that can be sometimes, it would be easier if people were as forthright about when and how they need to be noticed so we don’t need to try and guess. The best way to make sure people feel noticed is to notice them before they need to get your attention in a less than ideal way.

Do you notice your students? Do you really notice your family members or are you distracted by life and forget to sit and really look at or listen to them? How do you let them know you see them? Maybe it is with a smile or a nod. Perhaps you remark about someone’s new shirt or ask about their family. When you notice, you acknowledge that you care. You are building trust.

Build better relationships by calling them by name.

Most people also like to be called by name. In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie said, “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”

Michele: When Sassy was at her most frightened, I quietly called her by name. She learned her name quickly. Now she comes when I call her.

Paula: I think of the number of times I say Bear’s name in a day. It is actually rather shocking. I call her by name in the morning, when I play with her, when I get home, etc. I don’t think I ever call people by their names that much. What a startling realization.

It adds only a second to call people by name. They will notice and appreciate it.

Paula gives an example of a worker at Panera who calls everyone by their name. In return, Paula made an effort to learn this person’s name and call her by name so she knows she is valued. It takes time and effort to remember names and acknowledge people by name, but it is worth the effort.

Build better relationship by being patient.

Relationships aren’t always built overnight. It takes time to figure people out, to establish boundaries, and to determine what everyone needs to make the relationship the best it can be.

It took months  for Michele to build enough trust with Sassy that she could be petted. Now Sassy falls asleep on her lap.

Although Bear was overly loving, she did not know her boundaries. She took a string from the carpet and pulled it as a toy. She chewed up a few shoes. It would have been easy to give up on her but since they were in it for the long haul, and because they knew she was still learning and growing, they just had to wait out the remaining puppy stage.

You will want to build relationships with new people in your life quickly. Some people, especially students and some colleagues, will need time. Don’t give up on them. Be patient. You will all figure each other out eventually if you keep trying.

Build better relationship by being consistent.

In relationships, it is important that people know what to expect from each other. In order to build better relationships, we can’t be all over the place. You don’t have to be someone you aren’t, but you should be the you that is consistent so that people know what to expect when you show up.

Michele: I spend a few minutes with Sassy every morning and every evening. I feed her at the same time. I buy the same food, the same cat treats and the same litter. I keep her favorite blanket on the chair. Security is important to her. I can’t change whatever happened to her when she was living on the streets, but I can give her creature comforts with consistency.

Paula: We actually took Bear to what we lovingly refer to as Naughty Dog Bootcamp. We learned commands that everyone in the house could say so she knew what to expect from all of us. It wasn’t until we did that, that I realized how we were all using different words and commands to direct her. How confusing that must have been for her!

You all know the students who like to know exactly what is going to happen. They thrive on structure. Despite whatever challenges they must deal with in their lives, you can be consistent in your approach with them.

We also have those adults in our lives who are hard to read. You never know if they will show up in a good mood or bad mood, will be agreeable or  will be looking to start an argument. It is a lot of work to build relationships with these people. In order to build better relationships,  you can be the consistent person, even if the others are not.

Build better relationships by celebrating small, quick wins.

Especially in relationships that are difficult, it is important to recognize and celebrate the small quick wins.

Michele: I couldn’t hold Sassy for months, but I celebrated close approximations. If she came out from under the bed while I was in the room, I left a cat treat. If she took a step toward me, I rewarded her with another little treat. My approach was classic positive reinforcement, but it worked.

Paula: After the aforementioned Naughty Dog Bootcamp, I learned the importance of pointing out to Bear all the good things she was doing. For example, when she didn’t jump on the Amazon guy and try to lick his face, that got an immediate “good girl.” When she walked away from a shoe even though she gave it a second longing glance, I petted her and let her know that I noticed and was proud.

We can celebrate small quick wins in our relationships almost daily if we look for them. With our students, we can celebrate when yesterday’s 61 becomes today’s 65. It may not be where you want it to be, but there is progress. With our negative colleague, it can be thanking them for a positive contribution they made to the team. Difficult family member? Look for and point out the things they do to help others in the family.

Build better relationships by changing their day.

We can’t control what has happened to people in the past. We can’t even control what will happen to them in the future. But we can make their day pleasant. At the end of the day, when we are building better relationships with people, what they really need is to know they are safe and cared for when interacting with us.

Michele: I often wonder what had happened to Sassy on the streets, and know she must have been frightened. I try to make her day pleasant. I leave cat toys laying around. The first thing in the morning I open the shades because she loves to look out. On nice days, I open a window. I’ll talk to her as she follows me around. She doesn’t need much but to know that she is safe, have her basic needs met, and something interesting to do.

Paula: I know Bear trusts us because she lays on her back with her belly exposed for us to pet her. It feels good knowing that, we are providing her a place where she can feel safe enough to relax and be vulnerable.

You also have the power to change the trajectory of someone’s life, or at least their day. Look for opportunities to do so and then take them.

Conclusion:

It makes sense to end with this quote by former first lady of the United States, Rosalynn Carter, who said  “Do what you can to show you care about other people, and you will make our world a better place.”

You will make the world, and your own life, a brighter place by building better relationships.

A special shout out to Sassy and Bear for the inspiration for this episode.

Are there additional lessons about relationship building you have learned from your pets? If so, be sure to give them an extra hug or snuggle tonight to thank them for being such patient teachers.

Recap:

In this episode, we explored important lessons we have learned from our pets on how to build better relationships. Want to build better relationships in your work and home life? Notice your people, address them by name, be patient and consistent, and celebrate those small wins. By doing all of this you will not only strengthen your relationships but you might just change their day and yours too.

Quote: 

  “Do what you can to show you care about other people, and you will make our world a better place.”

Rosalynn Carter

Related Episodes/Blog Posts:

Inspired Together Teachers Episode 62 Teachers Supporting Teachers,

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Are you a teacher struggling to balance your best work with your best life?

If you are dedicated and caring but often overwhelmed and exhausted, join us at Inspired Together Teachers. We’ll give you inspiration, strategies and tips that help you navigate life’s challenges as a stronger, more confident, and more joy filled person, both in and out of the classroom.

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Co-hosts Paula Schmidt and Michele Vosberg are award winning educators with the experience and skills to help teachers thrive in life and work. They’ve taught at all levels, worked with thousands of teachers, and conducted workshops around the world. They are also the authors of the #1 best-selling book The Inspired Teachers Journal: A Weekly Guide to Becoming Your Best Self.

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