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Are You Playing Small? Ep.60

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Are You Playing Small?  S. 4 E.60woman with tape over her mouth, Are You Playing Small?

Listen to this episode to hear how you might be playing small and ways you can step into your life in a bigger way. 

Show Notes: 

Episode Summary:

It’s no secret around here that we are on a mission to live an inspired life. We talk a lot about things we can do to improve our lives. Today we’re going to talk about something that might seem unimportant- but it has a big effect on how you feel and how you bring forth your light in the world. It’s hard to live an inspired life if you are hiding your light under a bushel. Let’s talk about ways you might be playing small and how you can step into your life in a bigger way.

In this episode:

This is an outline of the episode, not a word for word transcript. In the podcast we share personal stories and examples that are not written below. For the full experience, please listen to the podcast episode.

Introduction:

Are you playing small?

One of the benefits of being an introvert is that I observe people. While silently watching, I regularly see signs that someone is not stepping into the light to share their inborn talents and gifts. It is disheartening to observe someone’s specialness hidden away, unavailable to bring goodness and maybe a little magic fairy dust to a world that desperately needs more good things in it.

For example, you love drawing and you’re really good at it, but none of your art work is hanging in your home.

Or, you have a great idea for a fun new summer enrichment class, but you don’t mention it because it’s different from what is usually offered and you doubt they would let you do it.

Have you ever been in a room with a group of people and you are discussing how to do a large project and who should do what to complete the project. You might be the most qualified person in the room, but you don’t speak up. Then you spend the rest of the time working on a project watching someone else do the work in a way that is not as good as you would have done it.

Author Elizabeth Gilbert shares the idea that we all have buried treasure within us. When we summon up the courage to bring forth our hidden jewels we are able to lead a bigger life, a happier life and a more expanded and interesting life.

Isn’t that the kind of life we all want?

How to know if you’re playing small.

  • You know that you are playing small when you don’t accept credit for the outstanding work you are doing.
  • You are playing small when you don’t share your ideas, because you think they probably aren’t that good anyway.
  • You are playing small when you don’t do something you want to do because you don’t feel you deserve it.
  • You are playing small when you are afraid to take an important next step and so you do nothing. It is easier to stay where you are, locked in place, than to take a risk.

It seems safe, staying locked in place, like a ship in the harbor. But that is not what ships, or you, are made for.

The costs of playing small.

Playing small has big costs. It affects our quality of life.

Playing small if often driven by fear, and thought fear feels risky, playing small can result in anxiety.

Sometimes playing small means you work too hard at the wrong things. You may do work better done by others and not the higher-level work you should be doing.

When you play small, you hold back. That can hinder your relationships, or even your income.

When you don’t spend a lot of time doing things you love to do and that you are good at, you are more likely to feel stressed and suffer from exhaustion or burnout.

Perhaps most damaging is the underlying feeling that you were born for something bigger or better, and not doing anything about it is the biggest waste of all. Regret is a harsh companion.

We’ve probably all suffered from playing small syndrome.

  • We wait for permission from some authority- when we have the authority within ourselves all along.
  • We over-prepare or over-learn because it keeps us from taking action.
  • We listen to our inner critic- a harsh voice that increases our self-doubt as it conspires to keep us safe by keeping us down.

Ouch.

How can we avoid playing small?

To live better, we have to learn to trust our own thinking.

We have to listen to our inner mentor and dismiss the inner critic.

We have to assess what we know, trust in its worthiness and bring it forth into the world.

We have to trust that when we commit to an action and go forth, the universe or God or whatever you wish to call the divine force that is bigger than us will conspire to help us.

No one knows you and what your most amazing life looks like. It is up to you to create that vision and then take action.

So, as Lady Macbeth famously said, “Screw your courage to the sticking-place and we’ll not fail.”

Let’s get on with it.

Let’s live big. Let’s be amazing.

Recap:

Playing small is a common way of being that keeps you safe and prevents you from getting too much attention. But the downside of that is that it also holds you back. You can’t live an inspired life if you aren’t willing to get in the game.

Quote: 

“Screw your courage to the sticking-place and we’ll not fail.”

Lady MacBeth in William Shakespeare’s MacBeth 

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Book: Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

Connect with the Inspired Together Teachers Community:

Download our FREE resource: The Inspired Teachers Guide to Taking Back Your Life.

Website: https:www.inspiredtogetherteachers.com

Instagram: Inspired-Together-Teachers

Facebook: Inspired Together Teachers

Facebook Teacher Warriors Group: Teacher Warriors Facebook Group

Linked In:  Inspired Together Teachers

More About Inspired Together Teachers:

Are you a teacher struggling to balance your best work with your best life?

If you are dedicated and caring but often overwhelmed and exhausted, join us at Inspired Together Teachers. We’ll give you inspiration, strategies and tips that help you navigate life’s challenges as a stronger, more confident, and more joy filled person, both in and out of the classroom.

Inspired Together Teachers will give you practical tools to experience more of what matters most in your life.

Co-hosts Paula Schmidt and Michele Vosberg are award winning educators with the experience and skills to help teachers thrive in life and work. They’ve taught at all levels, worked with thousands of teachers, and conducted workshops around the world. They are also the authors of the #1 best-selling book The Inspired Teachers Journal: A Weekly Guide to Becoming Your Best Self.

Paula and Michele would love to have you to join them on their quest to lived inspired lives.

Why Kids Don’t Do What You Tell Them to Do Ep.58

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Why Kids Don’t Do What You Tell Them to Do  S.4 E.58

children playing with a tin can telephone, Why Kids Don't Do What You Tell Them to Do

Listen to this episode to learn 10 reasons why kids don’t do what you tell them to do. 

Show Notes: 

Episode Summary:

Do you ever feel the exasperation of asking kids to do something only for it to fall on deaf ears? These “kids” could be your students at school or your family members at home. They could be young children or teenagers. No matter the age, do you find yourself wishing they would just do what you ask so life could be easier? We don’t have all of the answers to this age-old dilemma, but in this episode we share some useful suggestions to decrease your frustration and get you and the kids in your life more in sync.

In this episode:

We’ve all felt the exasperation of asking students or children in our lives to do something only for it to fall on deaf ears.

As a teacher, this likely happens to you at school several times per day, regardless of whether you teach the littles, the elementary aged kids, the middle schoolers, or the teens.

If you are a parent, or beloved auntie or uncle, this probably happens at home on the regular as well.

Giving so many directions in a day, with so many opportunities for a non-response from the children in your life, can really build up your frustration level.

Our first response when we get no action from a child after a direction is given, is usually to repeat our direction, which often results in more non-action, until finally we resort to yelling or letting our frustration clearly show in our voices even if we don’t yell. We hate that we have succumbed to yelling, nagging, or showing our disapproval through our voice tone and they hate it too.

Why don’t students do what we ask of them? If we could figure it out, it might lead us to another, better way of communicating.

Today we will explore 10 reasons why the kids in your world might not be listening and how you can best communicate your expectations in a way they will understand. This is not an exhaustive list, but it will give you some things to think about when you feel frustrated when children don’t do what you ask.

1) They didn’t process the request. 

This is particularly true of very young children. If you ask a three year old to go to the corner of the room, pick up her toys and put them on the shelf, you are not likely to get compliance. You lost her in the three part direction- she heard “go in the corner of the classroom,” where you find her happily dumping out a bin of blocks.

Many older children also have processing delays; they hear part of the request and forget the rest. Try giving simple directions. Use picture clues such as signs. Another idea is to give cues. For example, before we can go to lunch there are three things I need you to do. Listen for the three things. First…  then second… then lastly…  Ask children to repeat the directions.

2) They didn’t hear the request.

Let’s face it, it is a noisy world.

Have you ever said something to someone, only to realize that they couldn’t hear you?

Maybe a child has still has their ear buds in from their time on the computer. Maybe there is a lot of peripheral noise. Many people have difficulty hearing in a noisy environment. At school, today’s classrooms often include multiple teachers working with multiple groups. Excessive noise can be a challenge.

Make sure you have attention before giving a request. Use hand or light signals. Look them in the eye. Try a loud whisper or a catchy call back to attract attention. If they don’t hear you, they can’t comply with your request.

3) They don’t understand the reason for the request.

As much as we might like to think “because I said so” is a good reason, children often respond well to a request when they understand the motivation for the task. Saying ” I don’t want you to walk around the classroom right now” becomes a challenge to be contested. Explaining that you don’t want them to walk around the classroom at the moment because you are giving important directions that will help them with their homework works better.

Children might see a fire drill as an opportunity to talk to their friends. When the teacher explains that it is important that they to be quiet so that she can listen for fire safety personnel or to hear if someone needs help, they are likely to move through the halls quietly. Whenever possible, give children reasons why you want them to do something.

4) The task is too challenging. 

This might not apply to simple tasks such as asking a child to put on her shoes, but it often applies to tasks such as homework. A struggling reader might shut down when confronted with the task of reading a long chapter of a book that is beyond their reading level. A child who feels that playing a musical instrument is too hard or the requested practice time is too long will not practice.

In the classroom, children may not understand the directions and give up if the work seems too difficult. For many students, it feels better to not complete work than try it and fail. They would rather be known as a trouble maker than as a failure.

Make sure work is at a level that is not too easy, but also not too hard. Encourage students by helping them to understand that trying and doing something wrong is an opportunity for learning.

5) The task is not challenging enough.

Students often reject tasks that are not challenging as “boring” or a “waste of time.” If a student can successfully complete ten two digit subtraction problems, do they really need to complete 100 more?  Our brains like novelty and interesting things. Rote copying of answers directly from the textbook to the paper does not stimulate interest  or curiosity. Whenever possible, make sure tasks have some level of challenge.

Sometimes we do need to do repetitious or boring tasks. Anyone who has ever played airplane to get a small child to eat vegetables understands the power of fun and novelty. When you ask children to pick up the classroom, turn on the timer on your phone to make it a game. See if they can beat their best time. Practicing spelling words?  See if you can find ten different ways to spell them- with a pen, by writing with your hand on someone’s back, writing with your foot by making letters in the air…

In Episode 46 of this podcast, which is titled “What’s stopping you from achieving your goals” we referenced the research of Edwin Locke, a psychologist who spent decades study goal setting. His research applies here as well. He found that challenging goals improve performance more than easy ones. As Locke and other researchers have discovered, there is a sweet spot for challenge when setting a goal. People who set goals that are too easy, are actually less likely to achieve them. However, if you set the goal so high that it is nearly impossible to meet, you will quickly lose motivation. You need to find the “Goldilocks” of challenge level for your specific goal. We see a direct connection to asking students to do something. You need to give them challenge so they are more likely to achieve it but not so much that they think, “I’m never going to be able to do this, so why should I even try?”

6) They are meeting a personal need. 

After talking with your class about the importance of using kind words when disagreeing, you find out that after school one of your students used unkind words to exclude another student from her social group. The exclusionary language might have been a method for your student to gain peer approval or social status from other students. Her need for peer approval is higher than the need for teacher approval, so she doesn’t do what you asked.

Playground fighting is another example of how children demonstrate a personal need. You’ve talked with a student who is fighting with his peers at recess. He continues to fight. He might be fighting to meet a need for power; as long as he can hit other kids, he feels powerful.

When a child’s behavior is caused by their desire to meet a particular need, often you can help the child figure out a better way to get their needs met. Ask questions. What does it mean to be “popular” and how else can you gain popularity?  Likewise, what other things could a child do to feel more powerful? What opportunities could you find to give a child power in positive ways?

7) They feel a need for autonomy.

No one, including children, likes to be controlled 100% of the time. Think about how you feel when you are micromanaged. You like to have some control over your tasks and how they are done. Children do as well.

If children never have choices, they may refuse to cooperate with requests. Children who don’t complete homework despite adult requests may perform better if they are taught to set up a schedule and to choose which homework to do first. Many students will take more responsibility for their work when they are allowed to chose a datebook or planner and keep track of their own work. If children are used to someone else constantly dictating what they do and when they do it, they are not likely to want to or be able to manage without that constant reminder. Children need to be taught skills that will allow them to be independent.

8)  They don’t like or respect you.

It is human nature to resist doing something for someone we don’t like. Children are often reluctant to do something for someone they don’t respect. Many adults believe that they deserve respect just by being adults, but many children and adolescents don’t see it that way. Respect is more of a two -way street. It is given and earned on both ends.

If you think that respect is at the heart of the issue, ask yourself why. What can you do to build respect?  The way to solving this problem is by building relationships. Do you treat the young person with respect?  Do you ask about and care about their experiences and feelings? Do you listen to them?  Do you take their perspective into consideration?  Building relationships takes time, but is worth it.

9) The timing of the request is off.

Sometimes, students fail to complete a request because the time is not right. For example, students might not complete homework directly after school because they are hungry or thirsty or need some physical activity after a long day of sitting. Being extremely tired is another reason for slacking; think of how much work you get done when you are very tired.

In Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, our basic needs, such as the need for food, water, air and sleep come before anything else. Take these needs into consideration before asking children to comply with a task.

10)  They are suffering from trauma.

After the most basic human needs for survival, Maslow’s next step tells us that we must feel physically and emotionally safe before we can learn or attend to other tasks.

Children who have or who are experiencing trauma have bigger issues than following directions. Their safety needs must be met before they can work on other things. They may not be able to focus on your directions because the trauma is impacting their learning and behavior. There are no quick fixes here but creating a safe space and building relationships with the student are crucial.  Do your best to get to the bottom of the issue, and get help from a professional such as a school counselor, social worker, mental health professional or a physician. You can also research trauma-informed teaching to learn strategies to get you started.

Recap:

It can be extremely frustrating, discouraging and even exasperating when the kids in our lives don’t do what we ask or tell them to do. In this episode we considered 10 common reasons why kids don’t act on our requests or directions. As we mentioned at the beginning of the episode, it is not an exhaustive list, but it will give you some things to think about when you feel frustrated when children don’t do what you ask. Ultimately, by better understanding why the child might not be responding, we can consider and act upon better ways of communicating.

Related Episodes/Blog Posts:

Episode 46 What’s Stopping You From Reaching Your Goals? 

Connect with the Inspired Together Teachers Community:

Download our FREE resource: The Inspired Teachers Guide to Taking Back Your Life.

Website: https:www.inspiredtogetherteachers.com

Instagram: Inspired-Together-Teachers

Facebook: Inspired Together Teachers

Facebook Teacher Warriors Group: Teacher Warriors Facebook Group

Linked In:  Inspired Together Teachers

More About Inspired Together Teachers:

Are you a teacher struggling to balance your best work with your best life?

If you are dedicated and caring but often overwhelmed and exhausted, join us at Inspired Together Teachers. We’ll give you inspiration, strategies and tips that help you navigate life’s challenges as a stronger, more confident, and more joy filled person, both in and out of the classroom.

Inspired Together Teachers will give you practical tools to experience more of what matters most in your life.

Co-hosts Paula Schmidt and Michele Vosberg are award winning educators with the experience and skills to help teachers thrive in life and work. They’ve taught at all levels, worked with thousands of teachers, and conducted workshops around the world. They are also the authors of the #1 best-selling book The Inspired Teachers Journal: A Weekly Guide to Becoming Your Best Self.

Paula and Michele would love to have you to join them on their quest to lived inspired lives.

 

 

Spark Up Your Space and Energize your Environment Ep.40

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Spark Up Your Space and Energize your Environment S.3 E. 40

energetic classroom teacher, Episode 40 Spark Up Your Space, Energize Your Environment

Listen to this episode to learn more about how you can create environments that are charged and energetic, in your work and home life, by following a few basic ideas about harnessing the power of paradoxes. 

Show notes:

Episode Summary:

Do you ever sit in a meeting and struggle to stay awake? Do you ever find yourself at a family gathering and cringe because the atmosphere is so toxic you are afraid to say anything? Do you look around your classroom and wonder what you could do to “spark it up” just a bit? Today we’re talking about how you can energize your environment, at work and at home, by looking at them through the lens of six paradoxes. Don’t worry, it is much easier than it sounds. All you need are a few guidelines about holding the tension of opposites and we are glad to share them with you!

In this episode:

Introduction:

We have long believed in the power of environment to shape the mood of all who enter that space. We believe so strongly in it, that one of the first podcast episodes we created was #9 You Set the Tone. We talked passionately about how teachers have more power than they may know to set the tone for their classroom and life.

Today, we would like to expand on that topic and speak directly about the power you have to improve the places and spaces where you live and work but looking at them through the lens of six different paradoxes.

What is a paradox? 

First, let’s get the meaning of paradox out of the way. A paradox is something that has seemingly contradictory qualities. For example, when we say “less is more” or “the beginning of the end.”

For our purposes today, we are going to talk about paradox as that creative and charged tension between two opposites. Think of it as that space that lighting shoots through between the chaos in the clouds where it starts and the solid ground where it hits. That space in between is electric, powerful and beautiful when we can see it in action. It is not so astonishing in the clouds or on the ground as it is in that charged space in between.

Your daily living and working spaces can be the same way, if you can find or create that spot between two poles where the charge and exciting energy can live. You can think of it as the tension between opposites.

Before we get into what those paradoxes might be, we want to give credit for this idea where credit is due.

Parker Palmer, a writer and teacher who has helped millions of people around the world live more courageously and authentically through his writing and speaking, was the inspiration for this podcast episode.

In his book, The Courage to Teach: Exploring the Inner Landscape of a Teacher’s Life, he gives us six paradoxes we should consider when designing our ideal classroom environments. When Palmer wrote this he was talking about classroom environments specifically, but we think this applies to our work and home lives so we expanded on his idea a bit.

Here is how Parker Palmer introduces the idea of paradoxes in the book:

“Teaching and learning require a higher degree of awareness than we ordinarily possess- and awareness is always heightened when we are caught in a creative tension. Paradox is another name for that tension, a way of holding opposites together that creates an electric charge that keeps us awake. Not all good teachers use the same technique, but whatever technique they use, good teachers always find ways to induce this creative tension. When I design a classroom session, I am aware of six paradoxical tensions that I want to build into the teaching and learning space.”

We are going to share the six paradoxical tensions that Palmer suggests using to create your spaces, then we will explore each as they relate to your work and home life.

The six ideas are:

  1. The space should be bounded and open.
  2. The space should be hospitable and “charged.”
  3. The spaces should invite the voice of the individual and the voice of the group.
  4. The space should honor the “little” stories of the student and the “big” stories of the disciplines and tradition.
  5. The space should support solitude and surround it with the resources of community.
  6. The space should welcome both silence and speech.

When Palmer talks about these, he is talking specifically about how he designs learning spaces. If we follow these same rules in our spaces outside the classroom the same kind of positive energy can flow there as well. Think of this as applying to our family get togethers, our lunches with friends, our committee meetings, our family dinners…any environment where we find ourselves.

Let’s take a look at each of these paradoxes individually and what embracing them might look like in your work and home life.

1.The space should be bounded and open.

Palmer describes a space that is bounded and open as an environment where there are boundaries that keep topics from wandering all over, but that are still open to the many paths that the learning or conversation may lead. This means having an idea of a journey that you want to take, “the bounded part”, yet embracing the surprises along the way, “the open part.”

For example, this might mean having a solid lesson plan, but being open to taking it in a new direction when student interests are high.

Palmer suggests framing a discussion around a text this way. The teacher presents the text to be discussed (bounded) and then opens up the space by asking students to discuss the text based on information they have learned from their own lives. We do this all the time as teachers, though we may not see it as playing with the tensions of  bounded and open.

This works in your personal life as well. An example in your personal life might be travel. Paula shared an example of going to Washington, DC with friends. It was one of the most amazing trips ever and it was in large part because it followed this rule. The bounded part was having a hotel booked for all seven days of the trip. The open part was driving to a location, asking the waitress or others they met along the way where they should go next. They ended up in DC on time but along the way ate chocolate in Hershey Pennsylvania, saw the lighthouses in Cape May New Jersey, and walked the boardwalk in Atlantic City. None of these were in the original plans.

 2.The space should be hospitable and “charged.”

Palmer describes hospitable as inviting, open, safe, free, and trustworthy. Of course we all want this in a classroom. However, the space should also be somewhat “charged” in that students don’t fall asleep in the comfort. The participants in the space shouldn’t be so safe that they are bored. This is that space where people are exploring real, deep topics of the world or their soul. They know it is a safe place (hospitable) but also full of deep exploration possibilities which makes the environment charged.

Palmer’s classroom example is making sure the students feel safe and then asking them to focus on hot button issues that really cause them to do some real exploration of themselves or their world.

This might also look like shaking things up- building in comfortable routines, but using different strategies that keep things interesting and alive and keep students engaged.

Paula attended a Parker Palmer retreat several years ago in Seattle. It was a beautiful setting, people wore comfortable clothes and did yoga. It felt very safe and loving. Then they asked the attendees to dig deep into their goals and lives and ask themselves about deep issues. It was both uncomfortable and profound. People were crying as they journaled. It was both hospitable and warm as well as “charged.”  We all want to have those kinds of experiences that are meaningful and deep and involve topics that we are really invested in. We want our students to have those kinds of experiences as well.

3. The spaces should invite the voice of the individual and the voice of the group.

What Palmer means by this is that all participants in the conversation need to have a chance to express their authentic voice. That’s inviting the individual voice. However, in order to be a place of learning, there must also be a chance for the group’s voice to be gathered an amplified. Having this group voice provides a necessary point of comparison to affirm, challenge or correct the voice of the individual. This is the place where learning can happen.

Parker is talking about a classroom where students have to reach a group consensus. The students are invited to share their individual perspectives. The teacher can listen for what the group is saying and pull that together and play that back to the students from time to time so the group can hear what they are saying together.

Another example is that teachers need to be able to ask questions and accept that they don’t always get the answers they were expecting. It is about allowing students to voice their ideas and opinions. If we want to create people who know how to think, we need to let them express their thoughts.

As an example in your home life, Paula shared what happens when her family is trying to decide where to go out to dinner. Individuals share their ideas. Paula gathers the voice of the group. “Ok, so no fast food. And I didn’t hear any Chinese so Chinese is out. It appears that most of us want Mexican. So now let’s narrow down which Mexican restaurant we want to go to.”  This is a better than arguing or fighting and allows everyone to have a voice while still coming to a group decision. We often do this in the classroom and it works at home too.

4. The space should honor the “little” stories of the student and the “big” stories of the disciplines and tradition.

Palmer suggests this so that everyone can share their personal “little stories” to add to the conversation without narcissism becoming a problem. Value the little stories but don’t let them take over the big stories that are universal or overriding.

We do this on this podcast all the time. We have a topic, but we sprinkle in our own little stories and examples.

Palmer suggests that in a class discussion, we need to help students learn to listen to the big stories with the same respect they give the little stories they tell about their own lives. We, as the teachers, need to stand at the intersection of the stories that individuals bring to the classroom, and help them connect to bigger stories about the world that they may not have been exposed to or understand yet.

Paula shared an example of sitting in meetings where one person comes in with how a situation, maybe a new curriculum or new way of doing something, impacts them. The first time they tell the story, everyone listens. The next time, in the same meeting when they share their experience, and it is only a sliver of the whole picture, people tolerate it. However, when the conversation becomes all about them and their experience, everyone hopes the leader of the meeting will step in and remind everyone of the bigger picture. When that doesn’t happen, the meeting goes too far toward the little stories and not close enough to the big stories, which is frustrating. As a leader, you can help maintain the big picture while honoring little stories.

5.The space should support solitude and surround it with the resources of community.

This particular paradoxical tension recognizes that people need time alone to absorb information and to meaningfully reflect on it. However, we also need that authentic community to be our best.

Palmer says, “I tell my students that much as I value dialogue, I affirm their right not to participate overtly in the conversation- as long as I have the sense, and occasional verbal reassurance, that they are participating inwardly. This permission not to speak seems to evoke speech from people who are normally silent; we are more likely to choose participation when we are granted the freedom to do so.”

Think about this as a teacher in a classroom. There are introverts who listen and engage with whatever is happening in the classroom. Often, they are penalized because they do not always speak up or contribute a certain number of times. Be aware of who is really engaged and who is not engaged. Talking is only one form of engagement.

The “Think, Pair, Share” strategy is a good one because it allows everyone to engage in a safe way. The think portion allows for self-reflection, the pairing is a safe place to discuss, and the sharing is often done by the people who are most comfortable in the group sharing. It supports the solitude of individuals while still surrounding people with the combined resources of the community.

6.The space should welcome both silence and speech.

Palmer says, “Words are not the sole medium of exchange in teaching and learning- we educate with silence as well. Silence gives us a chance to reflect on what we have said and heard, and silence itself can be a sort of speech, emerging from the deepest parts of ourselves, of others, of the world.”

Some of us struggle with silence, in fact a typical group handles about 15 seconds of silence before someone jumps in.

Palmer looks at this through the lens of the teacher, when teachers jump into silence. He goes so far as to wonder what chances for authentic learning don’t get to happen when teachers jump in and break the silence or when they allow students to quickly jump in and fill a silence without first giving everyone time to think and reflect.

In education, we often call this wait time, and waiting even a few seconds can feel difficult.

This is a great reminder to find that charged spot between silence and speech. How do you handle silence in your life, for example in a book club, or in discussions with family and friends? Do you allow people time to think or quickly jump in to fill the void?

Conclusion

As you can see, we think Parker Palmer is brilliant. We hope he wouldn’t mind that we expanded upon his six paradoxes idea to how it could be effective in our home and life spaces, not just in our classroom spaces. As you consider how finding that perfect paradoxical tension could change your environments, we end with the following quote.

Quote

“The place where paradoxes are held together is in the teacher’s heart.”

Parker Palmer

Our wish for you is that you hold these paradoxes in your heart in the coming days, weeks, months, and years in your work and home life.

Recap

You have the power to improve the places and spaces where you live and work by looking at them through the lens of six different paradoxes. You can make your classroom and home environments more enjoyable places by embracing that charged space between any of these paradoxes.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

The Courage to Teach by Parker Palmer

Related Episodes/Blog Posts:

Inspired Together Teachers podcast Episode 9 You Set the Tone 

Connect with the Inspired Together Teachers Community:

Download our FREE resource: The Inspired Teachers Guide to Taking Back Your Life.

Website: https:www.inspiredtogetherteachers.com

Instagram: Inspired-Together-Teachers

Facebook: Inspired Together Teachers

Facebook Teacher Warriors Group: Teacher Warriors Facebook Group

Linked In:  Inspired Together Teachers

More About Inspired Together Teachers:

Are you a teacher struggling to balance your best work with your best life?

If you are dedicated and caring but often overwhelmed and exhausted, join us at Inspired Together Teachers. We’ll give you inspiration, strategies and tips that help you navigate life’s challenges as a stronger, more confident, and more joy filled person, both in and out of the classroom.

Inspired Together Teachers will give you practical tools to experience more of what matters most in your life.

Co-hosts Paula Schmidt and Michele Vosberg are award winning educators with the experience and skills to help teachers thrive in life and work. They’ve taught at all levels, worked with thousands of teachers, and conducted workshops around the world. They are also the authors of the #1 best-selling book The Inspired Teachers Journal: A Weekly Guide to Becoming Your Best Self.

Paula and Michele would love to have you to join them on their quest to lived inspired lives.

The Enneagram for Educators Types 5, 6, and 7 Ep.37

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The Enneagram for Educators Types 5, 6, and 7  S.3 E. 37

Enneagram types 5, 6, and 7 a photo with question mark and question words

Listen to this episode to learn more about the Enneagram and understand the patterns of types 5, 6, and 7.

Show notes:

Episode Summary:

If you want to learn more about the Enneagram and how Enneagram patterns play out in your life and in the lives of others around you, stay tuned. This is part four of our Enneagram series. Today we are going to talk about the head types- five, six and seven. What does it mean to be a head type and how does that show up in you or in your family, friends, and students? Let’s find out!

In this episode:

Introduction:

Welcome back to our special series on the Enneagram. The following show notes are a summary of the episode, not a complete transcript. To hear all of the discussion and personal examples, please listen to the episode.

This is part four of our Enneagram for Educators series. If you missed episode 34 which was an introduction to the Enneagram, episode 35 where we discussed types 8, 9, and 1, or episode 36 where we discussed types 2, 3, and 4, you may want to go back and listen to those episodes. In fact, we recommend going back and listening to them all because if you only have information about three of the types, you don’t have the big picture of the Enneagram. Today we are going to talk about the head or thinking types. These are types 5, 6 and 7.

Characteristics of Enneagram Type 5

If you remember our Wizard of Oz analogy from the episode 34, The Scarecrow sang, “If I only had a brain”. The Scarecrow represents the thinking types.

Type 5s are sometimes known by the labels The Wise Person, or The Observer. As always, we don’t focus on labels as much as on patterns of behavior.

As we talk about the types, remember that every type has both positive patterns and patterns that are potentially troublesome. You do not have to have all the patterns of your type, and in particular, a person who has done some growth and transformation work may have few if any of the more negative patterns. That said, those patterns are always in the background, ready to come into play if you are tired or stressed or going through a difficult time in your life.

What are some of the patterns of the type 5? 

Positive patterns of the 5:

  • Wise
  • Knowledable
  • Visionary
  • Comfortable with innovative and complex ideas
  • Observant- they are people watchers and notice things
  • Good at synthesizing ideas
  • May be reserved or very witty
  • Analytical
  • Often keep their feelings to themselves

Negative patterns of the type 5:

  • Protective of energy
  • Carefully guards privacy and space- they can isolate
  • Overthinking or over-analyzing
  • Intellectually arrogant
  • Negative
  • Controlled
  • Detached- from others, from emotions and from their bodies
  • Intense
  • Highly anxious

Basic fears and way of seeing the world:

Fives fear being seen as incompetent. They find security in watching, analyzing, learning, and understanding the world around them.

5’s are generally calm, wise and perceptive. They love to learn and are curious. They can go down deep rabbit holes when something interests them. They bring the gift of understanding complex ideas and bringing creative innovations to the world.

The challenge for fives is to not get stuck in their heads or detach from others in their relentless pursuit of knowing.

Characteristics of Enneagram Type 6

Sixes are known as The Loyal Person or The Loyalist.

Positive patterns of the Type 6:

  • Reliable and responsible
  • Hard -working
  • Trustworthy
  • Compassionate
  • Loyal
  • Sympathetic to the underdog
  • Warm and friendly
  • Vigilant
  • Fearful or worried
  • Careful
  • Good problem solvers

Challenging patterns of the Type 6:

  • Fixated on worse-case scenarios
  • Either withdraw to protect themselves or confront fearful situations head or seek them out and confront them
  • Relentless in getting what they want
  • Desperate to feel a sense of belonging
  • Overly cautious
  • Full of self-doubt
  • Highly anxious

Basic fears and way of seeing the world:

The six’s basic desire is to be secure in a world they may see as fraught with danger. They want to find a secure group and a secure place to fight against anxiety and insecurity. They anticipate danger and plan ahead to protect themselves as a way of controlling their fears. Sixes often like to organize and plan things, which is an effective way of helping them to reduce anxiety caused by not knowing.

Sixes have great instincts, but don’t always trust themselves because they are too busy over-thinking.

Characteristics of Enneagram Type 7

The type seven is known as The Joyful Person or the Enthusiast. 7s bring the joy!

Positive patterns of the Type 7:

  • Optimistic
  • Spontaneous
  • Playful, fun, humorous
  • High-spirited
  • Seek new and exciting experiences
  • Want to taste everything life has to offer
  • Visionaries
  • Highly accomplished
  • Full of gratitude, they love life
  • They are very social and good cheerleaders for others

Challenging patterns of the Type 7:

  • Addicted to being happy
  • FOMO
  • Like to keep all their options open, which can lead to indecision or lack of commitment
  • Overly extended or scattered
  • Undisciplined
  • Easily distracted
  • Easily bored
  • Must avoid the pain of life at all costs

Basic fears and way of seeing the world:

Seven’s do not want to miss out on any of life’s pleasures. They love freedom to explore and do fun, and interesting things.

Seven’s fear is feeling pain or being deprived of something joyful. They will do to great lengths to avoid feeling anything unpleasant, which means they often need to be “doing” to avoid feeling.

Before we recap, know that the next episode is the final episode in this series. We’re going to bring all of this together and talk about how you can use this information in your life and work.

Recap:

The thinking types of 5, 6 and 7, lead with their heads, constantly filtering the world through their mental faculties. The inner life of the mind gives them energy and inspiration. They tend to analyze and plan, which provides security. Under stress, they can overthink, over-plan or withdraw, which leads to isolation and anxiety which can get in the way of decision making or action.

Connect with the Inspired Together Teachers Community:

Download our FREE resource: The Inspired Teachers Guide to Taking Back Your Life.

Website: https:www.inspiredtogetherteachers.com

Instagram: Inspired-Together-Teachers

Facebook: Inspired Together Teachers

Facebook Teacher Warriors Group: Teacher Warriors Facebook Group

Linked In:  Inspired Together Teachers

More About Inspired Together Teachers:

Are you a teacher struggling to balance your best work with your best life?

If you are dedicated and caring but often overwhelmed and exhausted, join us at Inspired Together Teachers. We’ll give you inspiration, strategies and tips that help you navigate life’s challenges as a stronger, more confident, and more joy filled person, both in and out of the classroom.

Inspired Together Teachers will give you practical tools to experience more of what matters most in your life.

Co-hosts Paula Schmidt and Michele Vosberg are award winning educators with the experience and skills to help teachers thrive in life and work. They’ve taught at all levels, worked with thousands of teachers, and conducted workshops around the world. They are also the authors of the #1 best-selling book The Inspired Teachers Journal: A Weekly Guide to Becoming Your Best Self.

Paula and Michele would love to have you to join them on their quest to lived inspired lives.

Intention vs Impact Ep. 33

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Intention vs Impact S. 3 E. 33

Intention vs Impact, sign that reads " Assume Good Intent"

Listen to this episode to understand the different between our intention and our impact and how to be proactive in making a positive impact. 

Show notes:

Episode Summary:

Have you ever had good intentions for your word or actions, only to have them fall flat? Have you ever been well-intentioned but the impact you left was not at all the positive experience you had hoped to create? Maybe you have been on the receiving end of an interaction that left a negative impact on you, though you know the other person likely had good intentions. In this episode we are exploring the gap between intentions and impact- what it means, what to do when impact does not align with intentions, and how to be proactive to avoid those unintentional negative interactions.

In this episode:

Throughout this episode we give many personal examples, listen to the recording if you want to hear all of the examples. Here, we give a summary of the content.

It is not unusual to hear stories about good intentions that go bad.

In fact, it happens so often that there are lots of common phrases about good intentions:

  • Thomas Edison said: “A good intention, with a bad approach, often leads to a poor result.”
  • Oscar Wilde said: “All bad art is the result of good intentions.”
  • Or you may have heard the common saying, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
  •  If you ever heard of or watched the 80’s television show, Lavern and Shirley, you probably heard the word Schlemiel in the opening theme song. Schlemiel is a Yiddish word that describes a person who has good intentions but always makes things worse. Schlemiel is often pared with Schlimazel, who is a person to whom bad things happen. (“One, two, three, four… Schlemiel, Schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. “)

These are just a few examples of how commonplace it is that good intentions can often lead to bad impacts. In this episode, we are exploring the gap between our intentions and the impacts that our words and actions actually have on others. We will also explore what we can do when our impact falls short of our intent and then finally we will discuss ways to be proactive so that our intentions actually align with our impacts.

The difference between intent vs impact

  • Intent- is what we intend or mean to do. It is the purpose that drives our words or actions. It is what we hope to achieve.
  • Impact- is the result of our actions, what is experienced by the other person. It is the consequence of our words and actions. You can’t always control how the other person receives your words or actions.

As you have probably experienced, we all have times in our lives when what we meant to have happen and what the other person experienced was worlds apart.

For  example- a well meaning colleague might say, “Wow! You look fantastic today. What is the occasion that you decided to look so professional today?” Our reaction might be, “ouch, do I usually look unprofessional?”

Or a when someone comments, “Your hair looks really good ” and you are left wondering if your hair  usually look bad.

Sometimes, intent vs impact occurs in actions, rather than words. For example, you offer to carry coffee for a friend but accidentally spill it all over and they are left without a coffee. Your intent was good. The impact was not. This is an obvious example but it is not always so obvious.

Another example is sarcasm. Unless you know the person well, it can be very difficult to judge whether they are sincere or just being sarcastic.

Giving student feedback is in this gray area. You mean your feedback to be helpful and you give them lots of notes about how they could improve. You see it as growth mindset and that you are investing in the student’s future by helping them get better. They see it as you are hyper-critical or even mean.

On the other hand, if you withhold your feedback, you are doing them a disservice, which could be interpreted as being uncaring. You don’t know the experiences or mindset the student has, and it can be difficult to judge their response.

It is important to note the difference between intent and impact in our communication because if we don’t identify the huge disconnect that sometimes happens between the two, we will never be able to cross that divide.

Once you start thinking about this disconnect, you will see it everywhere. It is like when you buy a new car and then you suddenly see that car everywhere.

Which is more powerful- intent or impact?

IMPACT carries more weight than intent for the receiver. The receiver may judge the sender of the message, or react negatively, because of the impact they felt, regardless of the intent.

On the opposite side: INTENT carries more weight than impact for the sender. If you are the sender of the message, you judge yourself by the intent.

There is a definitely a disconnect that needs to be bridged between the two or both sides are left feeling upset.

In so many of our daily interactions with colleagues, students, family members, and friends, the intent is good but how it lands, the impact, is less than desirable.

What to do when intent and impact do not align

What should you do, or not do, when you find yourself in a situation where your intent was different than the impact?

Let’s start with what you should NOT do. First, and foremost, do NOT get defensive.

For many of us, that is our natural reaction. We try to defend ourselves because after all, we don’t have a bad intent.

When you find yourself in a situation like this, don’t get defensive in explaining that the negative situation was not your intent. It doesn’t matter if it was your intent or not, the receiver having to hear you talk about your intent in a defensive way does not bring understanding or a sense of resolution.

Own your mistake, and the impact it had, then apologize.

It is really tempting to be defensive and say things like,

“That’s not what I meant….I didn’t mean to…or…I’m sorry but…”

Instead, you could say,

“I own this miscommunication. The impact you felt was not in alignment with my intent. I apologize.”

You should also avoid getting defensive if you find yourself on the receiving end of words or actions that have a negative impact on you. For example, if a colleague who had good intentions said something to really offend you, avoid becoming instantly defensive.

Practice being more empathetic. There is a great quote from Indra Nooyi that fits well here,

“Whatever anybody says or does, assume positive intent. You will be amazed at how your whole approach to a person or problem becomes very different.”

Instead of getting angry and defensive, practice being more empathetic and consider that the sender of the hurtful words or actions had good intent. It is hard to be so angry at someone when you assume positive intent.

Attempt to understand the other’s perspective- why and how it landed like it did.

An example is with texting. Texts are short and cryptic. You can’t see emotions, and it is hard to read someone’s tone. Yet you probably recognize the limitations of that texting brings, and assume the best.

3 ways to be more proactive about intent vs impacts to prevent misunderstandings

In her 2021 Forbes Article, Teresa Hopke, CEO of Talking Talent, suggests three ways to be more proactive about intent vs impacts to prevent misunderstandings.

1. Use the timeless advice of  “think before you speak.” 

Hopke suggests that when you find yourself wondering if you should say something, take a quick mental inventory before you start to speak. Consider the way you are feeling. Are you feeling frustrated, tired, hangry, or facing burnout? If you’re having a tough day in the classroom and at home or if you got little sleep last night, that can impair your judgement and make you less thoughtful than you normally would be. This is not an excuse of course, but it is something to be aware of. So before you make what you perceive as a well-intended comment pause and ask yourself…what is my intention and is there anything about what I intend to do or say that could be misperceived and leave a negative impact on the receiver?

 2. Always be willing to make a meaningful apology. 

In her Forbes article, Hopke notes that communicating a meaningful apology is a skill and a remarkable character trait. We are all human and we are all going to make mistakes. If you know and accept this, then you will be ready to extend a meaningful apology to repair any harm. Take responsibility for your part in the misunderstanding and apologize in a way that:

  • Acknowledges specifically where you went wrong
  • Describes what you will do to resolve the situation
  • Sincerely expresses your regret

3. Remember that your response is your choice. 

It is inevitably that someone is going to say something off-putting. Sometimes it’s obvious when a colleague, student, family member, or friend says something harmful. At other times, ill intent is shrouded in talk about policy or even in compliments. Sometimes things are said out of ignorance because the speaker is truly not aware. Whatever the case, the impact it could have still matters.

When something does come up, you get to decide if you want to address the situation directly or to handle it a different way.

Hopke says, “No matter the circumstances, and no matter what others think you should do, your response is your choice. And at the end of the day, you are the one that must look yourself in the mirror and decide if you showed up as the person you intended to be. Choose wisely and intentionally.”

We talk about this all the time on this podcast- you get to decide, you can make choices, you aren’t not a victim. You can live with intention.

We would like to add 2 more suggestions to this list.

First, research your audience if you do not already know them well. You can avoid negative impact by better understanding who you are talking with and how your intentions, no matter how great, might be perceived.

For example, do a little research before talking with parents that come from a different culture. Check for words or phrases that you shouldn’t use because they might be offensive.

Finally, we suggest that you be clear about your intent upfront. You don’t have to apologize later, if you are clear upfront that your intent is good natured and that you want to be helpful.

With the student feedback example we gave earlier, let students know that you will be giving them a lot of feedback and that it is meant to help them, not to cut them down. Remind them that the purpose of feedback is growth, and that you have their future growth in mind.

Your honesty upfront will be appreciated by those on the receiving end.

Recap:

So many times in our lives, there is a disconnect between our intent and the impact it has on the other person. Miscommunications like these are inevitable. However, we can choose how we respond when these uncomfortable situations arise. We can also proactively try to prevent misunderstandings that occur when the intent does not match up with the impact. We can also always assume good intent on the part of our coworkers, students, families and friends!

Quote:

“Whatever anybody says or does, assume positive intent. You will be amazed at how your whole approach to a person or problem becomes very different.” 

Indra Nooyi

“No matter the circumstances, and no matter what others think you should do, your response is your choice. And at the end of the day, you are the one that must look yourself in the mirror and decide if you showed up as the person you intended to be. Choose wisely and intentionally.” 

Teresa Hopke

 

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say – 3 Ways To Align Intent And Impact (forbes.com)

Related Episodes/Blog Posts:

Connect with the Inspired Together Teachers Community:

Download our FREE resource: The Inspired Teachers Guide to Taking Back Your Life.

Website: https:www.inspiredtogetherteachers.com

Instagram: Inspired-Together-Teachers

Facebook: Inspired Together Teachers

Facebook Teacher Warriors Group: Teacher Warriors Facebook Group

Linked In:  Inspired Together Teachers

More About Inspired Together Teachers:

Are you a teacher struggling to balance your best work with your best life?

If you are dedicated and caring but often overwhelmed and exhausted, join us at Inspired Together Teachers. We’ll give you inspiration, strategies and tips that help you navigate life’s challenges as a stronger, more confident, and more joy filled person, both in and out of the classroom.

Inspired Together Teachers will give you practical tools to experience more of what matters most in your life.

Co-hosts Paula Schmidt and Michele Vosberg are award winning educators with the experience and skills to help teachers thrive in life and work. They’ve taught at all levels, worked with thousands of teachers, and conducted workshops around the world. They are also the authors of the #1 best-selling book The Inspired Teachers Journal: A Weekly Guide to Becoming Your Best Self.

Paula and Michele would love to have you to join them on their quest to lived i

 

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