Why Kids Don’t Do What You Tell Them to Do Ep.58

April 3, 2024 by Inspired Together Teachers Leave a Comment

Why Kids Don’t Do What You Tell Them to Do S.4 E.58

Listen to this episode to learn 10 reasons why kids don’t do what you tell them to do.

Show Notes:

Episode Summary:

Do you ever feel the exasperation of asking kids to do something only for it to fall on deaf ears? These “kids” could be your students at school or your family members at home. They could be young children or teenagers. No matter the age, do you find yourself wishing they would just do what you ask so life could be easier? We don’t have all of the answers to this age-old dilemma, but in this episode we share some useful suggestions to decrease your frustration and get you and the kids in your life more in sync.

In this episode:

We’ve all felt the exasperation of asking students or children in our lives to do something only for it to fall on deaf ears.

As a teacher, this likely happens to you at school several times per day, regardless of whether you teach the littles, the elementary aged kids, the middle schoolers, or the teens.

If you are a parent, or beloved auntie or uncle, this probably happens at home on the regular as well.

Giving so many directions in a day, with so many opportunities for a non-response from the children in your life, can really build up your frustration level.

Our first response when we get no action from a child after a direction is given, is usually to repeat our direction, which often results in more non-action, until finally we resort to yelling or letting our frustration clearly show in our voices even if we don’t yell. We hate that we have succumbed to yelling, nagging, or showing our disapproval through our voice tone and they hate it too.

Why don’t students do what we ask of them? If we could figure it out, it might lead us to another, better way of communicating.

Today we will explore 10 reasons why the kids in your world might not be listening and how you can best communicate your expectations in a way they will understand. This is not an exhaustive list, but it will give you some things to think about when you feel frustrated when children don’t do what you ask.

1) They didn’t process the request.

This is particularly true of very young children. If you ask a three year old to go to the corner of the room, pick up her toys and put them on the shelf, you are not likely to get compliance. You lost her in the three part direction- she heard “go in the corner of the classroom,” where you find her happily dumping out a bin of blocks.

Many older children also have processing delays; they hear part of the request and forget the rest. Try giving simple directions. Use picture clues such as signs. Another idea is to give cues. For example, before we can go to lunch there are three things I need you to do. Listen for the three things. First… then second… then lastly… Ask children to repeat the directions.

2) They didn’t hear the request.

Let’s face it, it is a noisy world.

Have you ever said something to someone, only to realize that they couldn’t hear you?

Maybe a child has still has their ear buds in from their time on the computer. Maybe there is a lot of peripheral noise. Many people have difficulty hearing in a noisy environment. At school, today’s classrooms often include multiple teachers working with multiple groups. Excessive noise can be a challenge.

Make sure you have attention before giving a request. Use hand or light signals. Look them in the eye. Try a loud whisper or a catchy call back to attract attention. If they don’t hear you, they can’t comply with your request.

3) They don’t understand the reason for the request.

As much as we might like to think “because I said so” is a good reason, children often respond well to a request when they understand the motivation for the task. Saying ” I don’t want you to walk around the classroom right now” becomes a challenge to be contested. Explaining that you don’t want them to walk around the classroom at the moment because you are giving important directions that will help them with their homework works better.

Children might see a fire drill as an opportunity to talk to their friends. When the teacher explains that it is important that they to be quiet so that she can listen for fire safety personnel or to hear if someone needs help, they are likely to move through the halls quietly. Whenever possible, give children reasons why you want them to do something.

4) The task is too challenging.

This might not apply to simple tasks such as asking a child to put on her shoes, but it often applies to tasks such as homework. A struggling reader might shut down when confronted with the task of reading a long chapter of a book that is beyond their reading level. A child who feels that playing a musical instrument is too hard or the requested practice time is too long will not practice.

In the classroom, children may not understand the directions and give up if the work seems too difficult. For many students, it feels better to not complete work than try it and fail. They would rather be known as a trouble maker than as a failure.

Make sure work is at a level that is not too easy, but also not too hard. Encourage students by helping them to understand that trying and doing something wrong is an opportunity for learning.

5) The task is not challenging enough.

Students often reject tasks that are not challenging as “boring” or a “waste of time.” If a student can successfully complete ten two digit subtraction problems, do they really need to complete 100 more? Our brains like novelty and interesting things. Rote copying of answers directly from the textbook to the paper does not stimulate interest or curiosity. Whenever possible, make sure tasks have some level of challenge.

Sometimes we do need to do repetitious or boring tasks. Anyone who has ever played airplane to get a small child to eat vegetables understands the power of fun and novelty. When you ask children to pick up the classroom, turn on the timer on your phone to make it a game. See if they can beat their best time. Practicing spelling words? See if you can find ten different ways to spell them- with a pen, by writing with your hand on someone’s back, writing with your foot by making letters in the air…

In Episode 46 of this podcast, which is titled “What’s stopping you from achieving your goals” we referenced the research of Edwin Locke, a psychologist who spent decades study goal setting. His research applies here as well. He found that challenging goals improve performance more than easy ones. As Locke and other researchers have discovered, there is a sweet spot for challenge when setting a goal. People who set goals that are too easy, are actually less likely to achieve them. However, if you set the goal so high that it is nearly impossible to meet, you will quickly lose motivation. You need to find the “Goldilocks” of challenge level for your specific goal. We see a direct connection to asking students to do something. You need to give them challenge so they are more likely to achieve it but not so much that they think, “I’m never going to be able to do this, so why should I even try?”

6) They are meeting a personal need.

After talking with your class about the importance of using kind words when disagreeing, you find out that after school one of your students used unkind words to exclude another student from her social group. The exclusionary language might have been a method for your student to gain peer approval or social status from other students. Her need for peer approval is higher than the need for teacher approval, so she doesn’t do what you asked.

Playground fighting is another example of how children demonstrate a personal need. You’ve talked with a student who is fighting with his peers at recess. He continues to fight. He might be fighting to meet a need for power; as long as he can hit other kids, he feels powerful.

When a child’s behavior is caused by their desire to meet a particular need, often you can help the child figure out a better way to get their needs met. Ask questions. What does it mean to be “popular” and how else can you gain popularity? Likewise, what other things could a child do to feel more powerful? What opportunities could you find to give a child power in positive ways?

7) They feel a need for autonomy.

No one, including children, likes to be controlled 100% of the time. Think about how you feel when you are micromanaged. You like to have some control over your tasks and how they are done. Children do as well.

If children never have choices, they may refuse to cooperate with requests. Children who don’t complete homework despite adult requests may perform better if they are taught to set up a schedule and to choose which homework to do first. Many students will take more responsibility for their work when they are allowed to chose a datebook or planner and keep track of their own work. If children are used to someone else constantly dictating what they do and when they do it, they are not likely to want to or be able to manage without that constant reminder. Children need to be taught skills that will allow them to be independent.

8) They don’t like or respect you.

It is human nature to resist doing something for someone we don’t like. Children are often reluctant to do something for someone they don’t respect. Many adults believe that they deserve respect just by being adults, but many children and adolescents don’t see it that way. Respect is more of a two -way street. It is given and earned on both ends.

If you think that respect is at the heart of the issue, ask yourself why. What can you do to build respect? The way to solving this problem is by building relationships. Do you treat the young person with respect? Do you ask about and care about their experiences and feelings? Do you listen to them? Do you take their perspective into consideration? Building relationships takes time, but is worth it.

9) The timing of the request is off.

Sometimes, students fail to complete a request because the time is not right. For example, students might not complete homework directly after school because they are hungry or thirsty or need some physical activity after a long day of sitting. Being extremely tired is another reason for slacking; think of how much work you get done when you are very tired.

In Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, our basic needs, such as the need for food, water, air and sleep come before anything else. Take these needs into consideration before asking children to comply with a task.

10) They are suffering from trauma.

After the most basic human needs for survival, Maslow’s next step tells us that we must feel physically and emotionally safe before we can learn or attend to other tasks.

Children who have or who are experiencing trauma have bigger issues than following directions. Their safety needs must be met before they can work on other things. They may not be able to focus on your directions because the trauma is impacting their learning and behavior. There are no quick fixes here but creating a safe space and building relationships with the student are crucial. Do your best to get to the bottom of the issue, and get help from a professional such as a school counselor, social worker, mental health professional or a physician. You can also research trauma-informed teaching to learn strategies to get you started.

Recap:

It can be extremely frustrating, discouraging and even exasperating when the kids in our lives don’t do what we ask or tell them to do. In this episode we considered 10 common reasons why kids don’t act on our requests or directions. As we mentioned at the beginning of the episode, it is not an exhaustive list, but it will give you some things to think about when you feel frustrated when children don’t do what you ask. Ultimately, by better understanding why the child might not be responding, we can consider and act upon better ways of communicating.

Related Episodes/Blog Posts:

Episode 46 What’s Stopping You From Reaching Your Goals?

Connect with the Inspired Together Teachers Community:

Download our FREE resource: The Inspired Teachers Guide to Taking Back Your Life.

Website: https:www.inspiredtogetherteachers.com

Instagram: Inspired-Together-Teachers

Facebook: Inspired Together Teachers

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Linked In: Inspired Together Teachers

More About Inspired Together Teachers:

Are you a teacher struggling to balance your best work with your best life?

If you are dedicated and caring but often overwhelmed and exhausted, join us at Inspired Together Teachers. We’ll give you inspiration, strategies and tips that help you navigate life’s challenges as a stronger, more confident, and more joy filled person, both in and out of the classroom.

Inspired Together Teachers will give you practical tools to experience more of what matters most in your life.

Co-hosts Paula Schmidt and Michele Vosberg are award winning educators with the experience and skills to help teachers thrive in life and work. They’ve taught at all levels, worked with thousands of teachers, and conducted workshops around the world. They are also the authors of the #1 best-selling book The Inspired Teachers Journal: A Weekly Guide to Becoming Your Best Self.

Paula and Michele would love to have you to join them on their quest to lived inspired lives.

Teaching With Heart E. 51

February 14, 2024 by Inspired Together Teachers Leave a Comment

Teaching With Heart S. 4 Ep. 51

If you’re teaching with heart, you’re bound to feel strong emotions. Listen to this episode to learn how to stay heart centered while keeping your emotions in balance.

Show notes:

Episode Summary:

When you’re teaching with heart, you are bound to get burned. You’re also bound to feel deep pride, satisfaction, and joy. How do you teach with heart and keep your emotions in check? In this episode, we explore what happens when heart centered teachers experience strong emotions and steps to take to help you balance those strong emotions.

In this episode:

The following show notes are a summary of the podcast. To hear the entire discussion including the examples and stories, please listen to the podcast episode.

Introduction:

We’re in a helping profession, which means we may feel emotions more deeply than those in other careers.

Every educator we know will tell you that they put their heart into their job everyday. Not only do teachers invest their time and energy into their jobs, they make a personal investment- sharing their emotions and helping their students process their big emotions.

You feel emotions strongly because of the passion you bring to the job, but also because of the challenges you face. You also invest in your students emotionally.

What a gift and responsibility it is to impact so many students daily. It’s no wonder we can run the gamut of emotions.

Today we’re going to explore a few of the emotional extremes that teachers feel daily, hourly and sometimes even by the minute. We are sure you can relate to the extremes of pride and disappointment, hope and fear, connection and isolation, and love and heartbreak.

As we explore these extreme emotions, we’ll also share some ways to navigate our emotions in order to maintain a sense of balance for ourselves.

Emotional Extreme #1: Pride and Disappointment

It is possible to feel both pride and disappointment as a teacher.

When our students succeed academically, whether they master a skill, or when we witness an a-ha moment, we sometimes swell with pride to the point we feel like we may burst.

Who doesn’t love to see the wins, the progress, the content or skill growth students make?

However, we can also feel disappointment if a student works hard to achieve a goal and then falls short. We all know that sinking feeling of watching a student realize that they failed a high stakes test or failed to meet an expectation they were sure they would meet. Our heart hurts with them.

We can also feel pride and disappointment in ourselves and our impact in the classroom. We feel pride when a group of students achieves something that they didn’t think possible and we know that we played a part in getting them there.

Those are the days when we love our jobs and love knowing that we are making an impact!

We can also feel disappointed in our impact when a student, or group of students, doesn’t seem to be progressing despite our best efforts.

There are many other scenarios daily that set teachers up to feel either pride or disappointment. Consider your classroom’s commitment to the community, the impact of a lesson plan you poured your heart and soul into, awards and recognitions, and student feedback. All of these have the possibility to stir up emotions of pride or disappointment.

Emotional Extreme #2: Hope and Fear

Hope and fear are another set of emotional extremes that teachers can vacillate between or feel simultaneously.

As a group, teachers are hopeful people. If teachers lacked hope, there wouldn’t be much point in teaching the students that enter into their classrooms. Teachers derive hope from the belief that the efforts they make each day will make a positive impact on the students they teach and society as a whole.

Each year brings a new promise and we are hopeful for the success and well-being of each of our students and the classroom community as a whole. We hope that we will have supportive parents, like-minded colleagues, supportive administrators, and that we will be appreciated for their efforts. There is so much to be hopefully for. Teaching, unlike many other professions, begins with a fresh start each August and that causes us to feel renewed hope each year.

However, fear can accompany that hope, lurking in the background. We fear that we will not be able to reach some of the tough students. We fear the pressures that society puts on teachers, and in some cases we may fear for our physical or psychological safety.

Teachers are continually impacted by policy changes beyond their control and we fear the implications, as we are on the front line of the implementation and can see devastation that others may not see.

Under all of this pressure, we can be afraid of our own personal burnout or watching our colleagues burnout.

Sometimes, it can be helpful to explicitly list our hopes and our fears. Under each of the hopes and fears, list a few indicators that would let you know if what you are hoping for or what you are fearing are becoming a reality. For example, if you fear that your school may become an unhealthy place to work, write down indicators that would let you know that it is unhealthy. Then watch your list for any red flags that indicate your fears are coming true. Or if you hope to build healthy relationships with your new grade-level teaching team this year, write down exactly what that would look like. Then, once you have met those indicators, you will know that your hope has become a reality.

There is a lot of power in writing things down so you can keep them in the front of your mind.

Emotional Extreme #3: Connection and Isolation

Teachers feel connected when they are part of a community with a shared purpose. That might be a content team, a grade level team, your PLC, a district faculty, or maybe a sense of community with a shared purpose that occurs with your students in your classroom. Wherever that collaborative environment occurs, that is where you can feel connected in your work.

You have all likely felt this sense of community. We see it when teachers talk about “my team”, or “our school”.

Teachers have a special bond that connects them across time and space. The more teachers have a space and opportunity for communication, collaboration and a feeling of empowerment, the more they will feel connected.

Have you ever been to a “teacher party?” You run into another teacher and almost instantly start talking about school or your students or issues that affect educators. It is like we can’t help it- we have found our people in the room!

On the other hand, teachers can also feel extremely isolated. In fact, teaching is one of the most isolating professions. Teachers are in rooms, often with the door shut, away from other professionals for the majority of their day. Unlike people in other professions who can walk next door to their colleague’s office or cubicle as their leisure throughout the day, teachers are limited in their freedom and ability to communicate with colleagues.

In order to feel more connected, and less isolated, take steps to build connections with other teachers. Schedule a fun outside-of-work event like attending a trivia night or pottery painting class with your colleagues. Host a fiction book club in your classroom one day after school or find another way to increase your connection with colleagues and to decrease those feelings of isolation.

It takes some work, and you probably think you don’t have time for those kinds of social things, but those opportunities will help you stay engaged and do a good job of making your work easier as you realize that you are not alone. It is good for your mental health to engage with a supportive community.

Emotional Extreme #4: Love and Heartbreak

Finally, it is common for teachers to feel the extreme emotions of love and heartbreak.

One of the most rewarding aspects of being a teacher is the love we feel for our students.

We see this example, sadly, in the case of school shootings. Teachers readily and willingly will put the lives of their students in their own hands and sacrifice for them. You don’t do that unless there is love there.

The bonds we feel with our students are not easily broken and they transcend time and space. The memories of our students can warm our hearts for years.

You may also feel love for the profession of teaching. Though it can be difficult work, you may find yourself overwhelmed at times by how grateful you are to be doing meaningful work that you love. You have the privilege of watching lots of young people learn and grow and knowing that you nurtured a part of that growth…year after year. You are etched in their memories and they in yours.

A quote by author Scott Hayden summarizes this well, “Teachers have three loves: love of learning, love of learners, and the love of bringing the first two loves together.”

However, when we invest so much of our hearts into someone or something, there is always the potential for heartbreak. You may be heartbroken by the struggles you see your students face daily or the lack of resources they have at home or in your school.

In addition, lack of support or systematic issues that you see hurting students can be absolutely soul crushing. Witnessing the injustice and inequities of the educational system can lead you to tears and feeling devastated. You may cry as you send students home for the night or home for the summer, wondering who will look out for them when you are not there.

If you find yourself feeling moments of love, savor those. If they are in the form of a student note or letters, save them in a special place. We both have a folder/box called Positive Notes for Days that I Really Need Them. We suggest you get one too. You can look at it on the days that your heart is breaking.

If you find yourself unsettled in the heartbreak of inequities, search out ways to advocate. Advocacy groups are always willing to accept volunteers and you may be just the person they are looking for.

It is no wonder that we can feel emotionally exhausted at the end of the day. There is a good chance that you could feel any or all of these emotional extremes in a day in the life of being a teacher. Our hope for you it that you can embrace the good, and utilize the strategies we suggested to address the bad, or find some other way to balance the two that works for you.

We leave you with this quote from NBA start Ray Allen, “Everything I know now…the pitfalls, the highs and lows, everything…it taught me and made me stronger.”

Recap:

As an educator, you make a personal investment in your students so it makes sense that you can feel many strong emotions. Extremes of pride and disappointment, hope and fear, connection and isolation, and love and heartbreak are regular occurrences for teachers. As you consider the emotional extremes in your teaching, remember to savor the positive emotions and consider ways to navigate the emotions that hurt in order to maintain a sense of balance in your life.

Quote:

“Teachers have three loves: love of learning, love of learners, and the love of bringing the first two loves together.”

Scott Hayden

Related Episodes/Blog Posts:

Positive Notes for Days I Really Need Them

Connect with the Inspired Together Teachers Community:

Download our FREE resource: The Inspired Teachers Guide to Taking Back Your Life.

Website: https:www.inspiredtogetherteachers.com

Instagram: Inspired-Together-Teachers

Facebook: Inspired Together Teachers

Facebook Teacher Warriors Group: Teacher Warriors Facebook Group

Linked In: Inspired Together Learning

More About Inspired Together Teachers:

Are you a teacher struggling to balance your best work with your best life?

Inspired Together Teachers will give you practical tools to experience more of what matters most in your life.

Paula and Michele would love to have you to join them on their quest to lived inspired lives.

Tips for Giving and Receiving Advice Ep. 49

January 31, 2024 by Inspired Together Teachers Leave a Comment

Tips for Giving and Receiving Advice

S. 4 E. 49

Listen to this episode to learn what to do when you are the receiver of unsolicited advice and how to best give advice that will be welcomed by others.

Show notes:

Episode Summary:

In the last day, week or month, how many times have you been given advice at work or in your personal life? How many times have you given advice to someone else in this same time period? In this episode, we will explore what to do when you are the receiver of unsolicited advice and what you can do make sure the advice you give is useful and welcomed.

In This Episode:

The following show notes are a summary of the content we discussed on the podcast. In order to hear all of the discussion and examples, please listen to the podcast.

Introduction:

Advice. We have all given it and we have all received it. Sometimes, we ask for advice. For example, you may ask your mentor or friend for advice on a new skill you are learning that they have mastered and you want to learn from them so you don’t make the same mistakes.

Often, advice is unsolicited, meaning the receiver of the advice did not ask for it. In all likelihood, the person giving the advice had good intentions but the effect on the receiver is often stress or feelings of shame or being judged.

You can see why advice giving and receiving can easily lead to hard feelings and miscommunication, though that is rarely the intention.

Today we’re going to explore the reasons people give unsolicited advice, how you best respond to advice, and how to most effectively give advice that will be welcomed when you have ideas to share.

Why do people give unsolicited advice?

The majority of the time, unsolicited advice is not meant to be harmful, in fact the person giving that advice probably thinks they are being very helpful. They often walk away from the conversation feeling like they did a good thing. But that is usually not what the receiver feels. It is common for the receiver of the advice to feel irritated, judged or criticized.

Paula: I can think of lots of times that has happened to me. The situations that pop into my mind first are all from the years that my husband and I struggled with infertility. The unsolicited advice came almost daily, “If you would just relax it would happen. You aren’t relaxed enough.” “You need to try this supplement.” “You are going to which doctor? Oh no, you need to go to the doctor my cousin went to. She got pregnant right away. You just need to switch doctors.”

Though none of these people had seen any of the test results, nor did they understand the hundreds of hours and procedures we had already done to try and remedy the infertility, they were quick to offer me quick fixes that were sure to work. These were NOT bad people. Though some did not know me well, most knew and loved us.

We regularly give advice on this podcast. We mean for it to be helpful, but we also have an explicit understanding that you are allowed to accept or implement it, or not. We also try to follow some of the of the best practices for giving advice we’ll talk about in a minute.

So why, if advice can sometimes be hurtful, do people give it?

Here are just a few of the most common reasons people give unsolicited advice.

People just want to help.

They want to make your life easier and the only way they think they can help you is to share information with you through advice, especially if you are talking with them about a problem you are having.

Consider this example. Imagine you are a new teacher. You share with the teacher across the hall that you are struggling with a particular student. You aren’t asking advice you are just sharing what that student is doing in class that is disruptive. However, the veteran teacher starts giving you point after point of unsolicited advice.

By the time you walk away from the conversation, you are doubting your ability to teach as you clearly don’t know as much as she does. The veteran teacher walks away feeling that even though she can’t be in the classroom to help you, she shared some of her best wisdom and feels like she has mentored you in some small way.

They are trying to be friendly and make a connection.

For some reason, giving advice has become a conversation starter in our society.

Imagine the new mother in the grocery store line with the crying baby in her cart. She is already stressed. The woman behind her feels bad for the new mother, wants to be friendly and make a connection but doesn’t know where to start. So, she decides to talk about the crying baby by giving advice. “My daughter used to cry like that all the time too. Do you know what worked for me? I …..”

The new mother walks away feeling judged on her mothering abilities and the woman who gave the advice walks away feeling glad that she could pass along her wisdom to the new mother.

They have a similar experience they want to share with you.

Your experience made a connection in their brain or heart and they want to share but don’t know how to do that in a better way than giving you advice. When this happens, you can often feel like your story or problems were hijacked or one-upped by the advice giver.

Imagine you are sharing a story with your friend about an in-law you find difficult to deal with. The friend responds with, “I had the same issue with my in-law. They did ….. so here is what I did to remedy that…You should try it too.”

You feel like your story was cut off and hijacked by the advice giver. The advice giver often walks away feeling like it was a nice conversation over your shared experiences.

In all of these examples, there was no ill-intent on the part of the advice giver. Their motivations are sincere and they truly believe that they are helping you or making a deeper connection with you.

That is not to say there is never ill-intent on the advice giver’s part. You will have people in your life who give advice for selfish or cruel reasons, like to put you down or to create drama, but those instances are hopefully few and far between.

How to respond to unsolicited advice.

Just because someone gives you unsolicited advice, it does not mean you need to take it. When you are given unsolicited advice, here are a few suggestions on how to best respond:

Remind yourself of their intentions. Do you think they were trying to judge you or make you feel bad? Probably not.
Be mindful to not receive the advice for more than it was. It can be easy to perceive the advice as judgement, a put down or a slap in the face. Label the advice for what it is- someone caring enough to try and help you. Looking at it from that way can feel less stinging.
Decide if the advice really is helpful or not. If we don’t even consider it, we may be missing out on something that could actually help us. If it is helpful, or parts of it are helpful, pick the parts that you want to consider and let the rest go.
Don’t assume you already know everything and don’t be quick to dismiss their advice just because you didn’t ask for it. There may a lot you can learn from the person giving the advice. You may even want to have further conversations with them where you do solicit their advice.
Thank them for caring. Their advice came from a place of caring, once you remind yourself of that, you can also thank them for caring. They will likely be thrilled that you noticed their caring.
Set up boundaries for future advice. You can say something like, “Thank you for caring. Those are helpful ideas. If I need any more ideas, I will be sure to come to you and ask for them.” This switches the dialogue to one that you can control.

How to give advice that will be useful and welcome.

We have discussed why people give advice, and what to do if you are the receiver of unsolicited advice, so now let’s talk about when you have advice to give.

Giving advice, even unsolicited advice, can be helpful to others if given in the right way.

An article in the Harvard Business Review, entitled The Art of Giving and Receiving Advice, pulled together what they considered best practices for seeking and giving advice based on academic research and practical wisdom from people who are actually doing the work, including educators.

The Harvard Business Review’s 5 stages for best advice giving:

1. Finding the right fit.

Make sure the giver and receiver are a good match and have the other’s best interests at heart. The better the understanding of what the people and the situation need, the better the fit. Decide if you are right fit for giving advice or if there is someone who could better help them.

2. Developing a shared understanding.

Ask the person what they want or need. Once you have a shared understanding of what the other person wants and needs, you can decide what role you can or should play in advice giving.

3. Crafting Alternatives.

Approach this with problem solving mindset. Remember that your experience or opinion are just one of many. The Harvard Business Review suggests that you think of yourself as a driving instructor. They say that “while you provide oversight and guidance, your ultimate goal is to empower the seeker to act independently.”

4. Converging on a decision.

It may not be your job to help the person come to a decision. Encourage the person to seek multiple opinions before making a choice. If they are trying to come to a decision, ask them how you can help. If they are trying to solve a problem, and seem to be listening to your advice, pause to see how they gauge how comfortable they are with the advice they are getting. If they seem uncomfortable with the advice, stop giving it.

5. Putting the advice into action.

When you are the person giving advice, you should step back at this stage. If it is your boss, this may not be a choice. Sometimes, a principal will tell you what to do. But in general, the actions that the person takes, or does not take, are theirs not yours. This is important so they can take accountability for their own actions and so they don’t blame you if the advice does not work.

Whether you are the giver or the receiver of advice, the most important this is to remember the perspective of the other person and the impact that you are having on them. Be mindful of what is shared, how it is shared, and the well-meaning intention behind the advice.

We end with a well know quote that summarizes advice giving, “Be sincere when giving advice and humble when receiving advice.”

Recap:

Before we go into the recap, if this topic is of interest to you and you would like to explore it more, check out episode 33 where we discussed intent versus impact.

Advice, often unsolicited, occurs regularly in our work and home environments. The majority of the time, unsolicited advice is not meant to be harmful, in fact the person giving that advice probably thinks they are being very helpful. Knowing how to accept that advice, and making sure you are giving useful advice yourself, can eliminate hard feelings and misunderstandings.

Quote:

“Be sincere when giving advice and humble when receiving advice.”

Ancient Islamic saying

Resources mentioned in this episode:

The Art of Giving and Receiving Advice– Harvard Business Review

Related Episodes/Blog Posts:

Inspired Together Teachers Podcast Episode 33 Intent vs Impact

Connect with the Inspired Together Teachers Community:

Download our FREE resource: The Inspired Teachers Guide to Taking Back Your Life.

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Enjoy Self-care and Build Empathy with Books that Transform Ep.39

November 22, 2023 by Inspired Together Teachers Leave a Comment

Enjoy Self-care and Build Empathy with Books that Transform E.39

Listen to this episode to learn more about how you can engage in guilt free self-care while reading books for pleasure that will help you grow in empathy for others.

Show notes:

Episode Summary:

Do you struggle to find or take time for self-care? Do you love to read for pleasure, but usually feel a little guilty when you take the time to read? Today we’re talking about books that you can read for enjoyment that will also help you to build empathy. These are books that might impact how you see your students or how you view your job. Our book recommendations may also help you understand the power you have as an educator to change lives.

In this episode:

You may not have thought about it this way before, but one form of self-care is doing something that you love to do. For both of us, reading is a form of self-care. Maybe you are nodding your head because reading is self-care for you too. If not, when was the last time you gave reading a try? You may find it to be more relaxing than you remember! Reading is a great form of self-care because you can always fit it in. You can read for just a few minutes before bed, spend hours on a rainy Saturday curled up with a good book, or you could listen to an audio book while driving down the road or hiking through your local nature park.

We like reading because sometimes it is a way to do two things at once. We know that multitasking doesn’t work when you are trying to do multiple things that need all of your attention. Each time you shift to a different task, your brain has to readjust and get focused on the new thing- and those transitions waste a lot of time.

Where multitasking does work is when you are doing something physical, like walking the dog, running on the treadmill, folding laundry or even driving. If you listen to audio books you CAN multitask and get two things done at once.

The 10 books we are going to share today are books we choose because they have the power to transform you. You may learn to see students in a new light, or understand the lives of those who come from backgrounds different than your own.

We’ll share both novels and memoirs so we have a little bit of something for everyone.

Here are our books that will help you to build empathy and transform your world view:

Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver

We both loved this book, which is a modern retake on the Charles Dickens novel David Copperfield. You don’t need to have read David Copperfield to enjoy this book. It won the 2023 Pulitzer Prize.

Kingsolver reimagines the story set in Appalachia in the 1990’s. Demon is born to a teenage drug addicted mother. We watch him grow through the years moving from foster home to foster home, being mistreated and slipping through the cracks. It is also a portrait of the opioid crisis and how people fall into drug use and become addicted and can’t get help.

Along with the negative portrayals there are people who enter Demon’s life and are good and helpful. Even the smallest acts of kindness make a difference in the life of this young boy. In particular, a pair of teachers become mentors to Demon and affect his life in positive ways. This is a modern coming of age story based on a historic writing that is sure to captive you and help you to understand a life that is likely different than your own. It is heartbreaking and hilarious at the same time. It is also expertly written by Kingsolver.

Paula: If you haven’t read David Copperfield before, I hadn’t, read this book and then go and find a summary of David Copperfield. You will be, like I was, shocked at how closely Demon Copperhead mirrors the original story, even using names that are almost the same as the original text….but not quite. This book is a great way to get engrossed in a some intriguing characters, build some empathy, and learn the storyline of some classic literature at the same time!

Finding Me by Viola Davis

Paula: I was the one begging to have this memoir added to the list so I can talk about this one.

Besides being an Oprah’s Book Club pick and Harpers Bazaar Best Book of 2022, this is on my list for one of the best audio books of all time. Viola Davis of the How to Get Away with Murder fame, reads this book herself on the audio version if you are an audio book reader. She is one of just a few people to have one an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and a Tony so as you can imagine, she is brilliant in reading her story.

The whole memoir is about Viola’s tough childhood and her life journey of finding her voice and her purpose when life was basically working against her. She talks in depth about teachers and mentors who brought her up and those who brought her down.

The first 30 minutes or so of the audio is heavy. Listening to her tell her childhood stories in which her racial, socioeconomic, and family struggles impacted her self-worth and identity will touch you deep in your teacher heart. Don’t give up after those tough few beginning chapters. Though she faces darkness, she is an amazing light in this world and following her on that deeply personal journey is a profound experience.

You will come out of listening to this book, or reading it, as a better person and teacher.

Remarkable Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt

Michele: I’ll start by saying that I was sure I would hate this book.

This book is unusual. It features three very different characters. The first is an elderly widow named Tova, who works nights cleaning at an aquarium. The second is a young adult named Cameron, who is drifting through life and struggling to find a meaningful path. The third is an giant pacific octopus named Marcellus, who not only talks but who is witty and bright, and amazingly perceptive.

The three connect at the aquarium, and the story develops about how they learn to understand each other, and eventually, to help each other. I see this book as a book about not only friendship, but the power of small kindnesses. I loved that it is hopeful. In the end, I was won over and charmed by this book. The world changes when you understand that in some ways, we are all remarkable bright creatures.

Spare by Prince Harry

We both listened to this on audio, and it is worth hearing the Prince himself read this book. This is somewhat of an odd choice for us, because neither of us are big royal watchers, nor are we particularly captivated by the royal family.

Michele: What I liked about this book is how a person’s perspective frames their understanding of the world. Harry grew up extremely privileged, but in many ways, his childhood was lonely and isolated. Especially after the death of his Mother, Princess Diana, he felt isolated and alone and no one answered his questions or did anything to help him through his grief. I think that loss and that grief changed him in deep ways. I see him as a child who didn’t get the support he needed.

Paula: I also was drawn to the childhood and teen years in this memoir, honestly, much more than the adult years. It was not a story of pity, which I had feared, but instead gave us insight into a person who appears to keep it all together but who is struggling internally and also regularly within his family structure. I would guess we have many more students like Harry than meets the eye. Don’t go into this book hoping for a lot of royal dirt, because it isn’t there. What is there will captivate you if you are a teacher, or person, hoping to learn about what life is like behind the scenes that we often don’t get to see. Plus, I have to admit the British accent of Harry reading the book was lovely.

Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus

Michele: This was one of my favorite books in the past year. It takes place in the 1960’s where Elizabeth Zott is a brilliant chemist. She isn’t “allowed” to be a chemist because she is a female, and her Ph.D. does not help her to get into a role where she can use her skills. There is a lot of prejudice against women, who at the time it was thought should be the secretaries and getting the coffee. She is constantly fighting her way, trying to hold her own in a world that doesn’t respect her mind.

Eventually, Elizabeth gets a job as a television cooking show host. This is a more palatable role for a female in society in the 1960’s, but she undermines everyone by turning her cooking show into a series of chemistry lessons. She finds a way she can empower other women and young girls in a positive way.

This book is devastating, and funny, and ultimately helps you to understand how discrimination works. It is also about the power of being your true self. She held her own doing her chemistry experiments in the living room. I loved this character.

I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy

Paula: Since I seem to be on the audio memoir kick today, I would love to talk about this one.

Do not let the title scare you away – this book is heartbreaking and funny- sometimes both at once and is worth listening to or reading.

Jeannette McCurdy was a Nickelodeon child star on iCarly and then got her own spinoff called Sam and Cat. On the surface, everything looks amazing for Jennette, who reads this story herself if you listen to it on audio. However, she suffered behind the scenes with her mother’s mental and physical abuse and her father’s neglect. She first developed anorexia as an 11 year old at the urging of her mother and viewed her body as a commodity to earn money to support her family.

Personally, I knew of these Nickelodeon shows and of McCurdy but had never really watched them. I read the book on audio at the urging of a friend and have since bought it for my niece and recommended it to my daughters. I was amazed by her grit and determination and the honest sharing of her struggles was touching. As a teacher and a parent, I thought it was amazing.

A Prayer for Owen Meeney by John Irving

This is an older book, but one we both love. It’s the story of two boys, John and Owen, growing up together in New Hampshire in the 1950-1960s.

Owen is an amazing character, you will love him. He is a strange child with uncanny perspective.

This book grabs your attention from the moment when of the two 11 year old boys hits a foul ball in a Little League game and kills the other boys’ mother. This is a book about finding your purpose in life, about irony, about love, and about keeping the faith. The story is told by John, as an adult, and chronicles the depth that our childhood experiences have on the rest of our lives. There is a lot to the storyline, and we don’t want to spoil it for you, but trust us when we say that this is one of those books you will miss reading when it is over.

Educated: A Memoir by Tara Westover

We both read this book a couple of years ago, and it is one of those books that stays with you.

Tara lives with her family, which we could describe as survivalist or doomsday preppers. They are isolated from others and lead very restricted lives in terms of having any connection with the outside word.

Tara does not attend school, and her education is very incomplete. At 17 she attends school for the first time when she manages to enroll in college. There she is forced to grapple with her lack of education, her lack of knowledge of society, and the repercussions of her up bringing. Eventually she makes her way to Harvard and Cambridge and earns a Ph.D. This is a story of resilience and the power of education.

11/22/63 by Stephen King

What if you could change history? That is what this story, by Steven King is about.

Jake, the main character of this gripping story is a high school English teacher who makes extra cash by helping adult students prep for their GED. The story involves an essay from his of the students, a local diner and the chance for Jake to time travel back to try and prevent the assignation of John F. Kennedy.

If you want to learn a little history, for example the title of the book 11.22.63 is the date of JFK’s assassination, and get wrapped up in a great story at the same time, this book is for you. It also shows the power of a relationship between a teacher and student in a way I have never read before.

A little known fact about this- Stephan King was 3 months into his first teaching job in 1971 when someone in the teachers’ lounge asked “What would it be like if JFK had lived?” King stood right there in the teacher’s lounge and thought, “I’d like to write that story.” He started, but gave up after writing 14 single spaced pages because it was going to involve too much historical research. He picked it back up 36 years later and you will be glad he did after you read this book.

10% Happier by Dan Harris

Actually, the full title of this book describes it better: 10% Happier- How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works- A True Story

Dan Harris, a former news anchor on Good Morning America and Nightline, describes his unexpected journey from drug addiction and anxiety attacks on air, to becoming a public face for mindfulness and meditation. If you have ever wondered how people become more mindful and 10% happier in their lives, check out this entertaining book. If you listen on audio, Dan reads it himself. Who doesn’t want to be 10% happier, right?

Recap:

Don’t feel guilty if you want to spend some time with a good book. It is a form of self-care, and it might even help you understand the world in a new way. Reading can help you build empathy and understanding of people who have experienced life in a way that is different from your own.

Connect with the Inspired Together Teachers Community:

Download our FREE resource: The Inspired Teachers Guide to Taking Back Your Life.

Website: https:www.inspiredtogetherteachers.com

Instagram: Inspired-Together-Teachers

Facebook: Inspired Together Teachers

Facebook Teacher Warriors Group: Teacher Warriors Facebook Group

Linked In: Inspired Together Teachers

More About Inspired Together Teachers:

Are you a teacher struggling to balance your best work with your best life?

Inspired Together Teachers will give you practical tools to experience more of what matters most in your life.

Paula and Michele would love to have you to join them on their quest to lived inspired lives.

The Enneagram Harmony Triads Ep.38

November 15, 2023 by Inspired Together Teachers Leave a Comment

The Enneagram Harmony Triads S.3 E.38

Listen to this episode to learn how the Enneagram Harmony Triads can help you find balance in your life.

Show notes:

Episode Summary:

Have you been following our Enneagram for Educators series? In today’s episode, we’re going to wrap up the series and bring our knowledge and understanding full circle so that you can access the best of the Enneagram and use it for both personal development and to improve relationships with your family, friends and even your students. Ramp up your knowledge and learn more about how to apply the Enneagram in your life in today’s episode.

In this episode:

Please note that this is not a word-for-word transcript. If you would like to hear all of the discussion and the examples, listen to the podcast. The notes below are highlights of the information we share in this episode.

This is the fifth episode in our Enneagram series. In previous episodes, we’ve shared the three types of wisdom in our discussion of the head, heart, and gut instinct types. We’ve also discussed each of the nine Enneagram types including their basic fears and motivations. If you haven’t listened to those episodes, you will want to go back and listen to those. Today we are exciting to bring some of this information together as we discuss the harmony Triads.

What is the Enneagram Harmony Triad?

Even if you have studied the Enneagram, you’ve probably never heard of the Harmony Triads. This is part of the Enneagram model that we were trained to teach and that we think is very helpful in finding balance in our lives.

You may heard of the wings and arrows model of the Enneagram, or you have heard of people saying, “I am a 3 wing 4”, or something like that. Basically, the wings are the numbers on either side of your main type- so if you are a two, your wings would be one and three. Those types influence your main type and you may have characteristics of one of those types. This is one model of the Enneagram that is commonly taught.

We’re not going to go into wings and arrows, because we prefer the Harmony Triads model.

The Harmony Triads model gives you three types, your main type and two others. You can tap into the intelligences of each of the three types.

Most of us focus on one type of intelligence- we lead with our head, or heart or gut. Growth can come from accessing all types of intelligence. Who doesn’t want to be smarter?

If you want more about this- see episode 17 Get Out of Your Head about the three types of intelligence.

Think of the Enneagram types as a baseball team. We all have our own baseball team. You have nine players on your team (the 9 Enneagram types). The star of the team, your MVP, is your main Enneagram type. The key supporting players are your two other Harmony Triad numbers.

The three Harmony Triads are Types 8, 5, and 2, types 9, 3, and 6 and types I, 4, and 7. You can see them in the triangles connecting the numbers in the image below. Each triad has one head type, one gut type, and one heart type. Accessing all three types of wisdom helps you to be stronger and when you are balanced and in harmony, you can be the best version of your unique self. Your baseball team is using the best strengths of its players, which makes it a winning team!

Enneagram map — The Enneagram Harmony Triads

How the Harmony Triads work:

We’ve talked about the Enneagram as a tool for personal growth. This is where the Harmony Triads really come into play. This is one of the ways you can apply your knowledge of the Enneagram to improve things in your life.

We all talk about finding balance, and having harmony and being our unique selves in the best possible way. Isn’t that what we all want? The Harmony Triad helps with this.

Let’s look at examples of the 8, 5, 2 Triad.

Type 8

8s have great confidence and leadership. They lead with their gut instinct. On their edge, they can be demanding, controlling and act without thinking.
8s can access the heart intelligence of the 2. This can remind them that people matter- you can’t just bulldoze through everyone. The 2 energy also encourages them to work for the betterment of others in things that matter so they can use their strong sense of justice for good.
The type 5 energy comes into play when the 8 needs to think through things more carefully. Instinctual decisions can often be good, but sometimes you need to think through the consequences. 8s can benefit from accessing the knowledge and wisdom of others.

Type 5

Fives have great knowledge and wisdom. It is easy for 5s to overthink and get stuck in their head and struggle to make decisions. They can also be self-contained and very cautious with relationships.
The type 8 energy gives 5s the confidence to more forward and trust their knowledge. This increases their potential to bring the best of what they know into the world and act on it.
The 2 energy reminds fives to connect with their feelings. It can help 5s to improve personal relationships and become kinder and more caring to others.

Type 2

2s are heart centered and focused on helping others. They are kind and caring, and self-sacrificing which can be exhausting. On their edge, they can be resentful.
2s who tap into their type 8 energies can become effective leaders. They can use their helpful ways for the good of an organization. They can see a need and then fill it.
2s can use their type 5 to love learning and access information. The 5 energy helps 2s to analyze and systematize that information.

Examples of the 1, 4, 7 Harmony Triad:

Type 1

Type 1 is conscientious and good. 1s like to do things the right way. They may have perfectionist tendencies, and hold themselves to a high standard. They sometimes take that to extreme by demanding everyone else meet their impossible standards.
Tapping into their 4 energy reminds 1s to be connect with the heart, to build relationships and have empathy- not tear down those who don’t meet their high expectations.
Ones on their edge can overwork, becoming intense and overly serious. They need to tap into some of their 7 and bring the joy! They need to relax and have fun and be social and remember that the work will be there later. They can lose the harshness but still keep their strength of good work that is well done.

Type 4

4s are creative, tuned into emotions and have strong empathy.
On their edge, fours can be self-absorbed or overly intense. The 7 helps them to stay in positive, fun energy. 4s hold on tightly to emotions, and 7 energy relaxes them.
1 energy helps 4s to become more focused and productive. They aren’t wallowing in feelings and become effective workers and creative problem solvers. 4s at their best are unique and inspiring!

Type 7

7s bring joy and positivity to the world. They love to experience all life has to offer. On their edge they can become unproductive, unreliable, or undisciplined.
The type 1 energy helps 7s to be productive and visionary leaders. They have great ideas and can apply them.
7s are often very social, and tapping into their type 4 energy makes them sensitive and caring friends and colleagues. Rather than ignoring their negative emotions, tapping into the 4 energy helps 7s to face and feel all of their feelings. They can learn that it is okay to feel their feelings and that they are better for it.

Examples of the 3, 6, 9, Harmony Triad.

Type 3

Type 3s are super achievers with a strong control of their image. Threes get things done! At their edge they can be workaholics who strive to impress others.
Accessing the energy of the 9 reminds 3s to slow down and relax, a message they often need to hear.
Tapping into their 6 energy helps 3s to examine their actions and connect with their rationale side. When they do this, they can see why they are making the choices they make and decide if they are making choices that best serve them.

Type 6

6’s are loyal and faithful. They are excellent workers and great problem solvers. On their edge, they may become overly fearful and anxious.
Accessing the energy of the 3 or 9 will get 6s out of their head and out of over-thinking.
When 6s tap into 3 energy, they become very productive and accomplish a lot. Their sense of dedication makes them great leaders.
When 6s tap into their 9, they can relax and have fun. They can become very social and enjoy life, which relaxes their fears and anxiety.

Type 9

9s are friendly, social and relaxed. They are great mediators and want to avoid conflict at all cost. On their edge, they can become stubborn and passive, preferring to avoid interactions if there is the threat of conflict. They can numb themselves to avoid dealing with anything that causes disharmony.
Tapping into 3 energy helps 9s to be their best. They can become efficient, productive workers. The heart centered three also helps them to be warm and considerate to others.
Accessing their 6 energy helps 9s to become great problem solvers. Rather than ignoring problems, they can actively work to prevent them or deal with them in a positive manner.

All of these examples are typical of ways that the Harmony Triad can help us to be at our best. The more you get to know and understand the Enneagram, the more you can apply it in your own life.

We realize that we have barely scratched the surface of the Enneagram, and there is so much more to learn. We’re considering a weekend Enneagram retreat where we would take the time to explore and discuss the Enneagram with a group of educators. And of course we plan to have fun too! We haven’t made any specific plans, but we are looking at a northern Chicago suburb retreat center as a location. If you are at all interested, drop us a note and let us know if you would like more information.

Recap:

The Enneagram Harmony Triads helps us to find balance and harmony and be our unique selves in the best possible way. Accessing the best of your three Harmony numbers will help you to live your best work life, and home life so, you can live your best life.

Related Episodes/Blog Posts:

Inspired Together Teachers podcast:

Episode 17 Get Out of Your Head

Episode 34 The Enneagram for Educators

Episode 35 The Enneagram for Educators Types 8, 9, and 1

Episode 36 The Enneagram for Educators Types 2, 3, and 4

Episode 37 The Enneagram for Educators Types 5, 6, and 7

Connect with the Inspired Together Teachers Community:

Download our FREE resource: The Inspired Teachers Guide to Taking Back Your Life.

Website: https:www.inspiredtogetherteachers.com

Instagram: Inspired-Together-Teachers

Facebook: Inspired Together Teachers

Facebook Teacher Warriors Group: Teacher Warriors Facebook Group

Linked In: Inspired Together Teachers

More About Inspired Together Teachers:

Are you a teacher struggling to balance your best work with your best life?

Inspired Together Teachers will give you practical tools to experience more of what matters most in your life.

Paula and Michele would love to have you to join them on their quest to lived inspired lives.

Why Kids Don’t Do What You Tell Them to Do S.4 E.58

Listen to this episode to learn 10 reasons why kids don’t do what you tell them to do.

Show Notes:

Episode Summary:

In this episode:

1) They didn’t process the request.

2) They didn’t hear the request.

3) They don’t understand the reason for the request.

4) The task is too challenging.

5) The task is not challenging enough.

6) They are meeting a personal need.

7) They feel a need for autonomy.

8) They don’t like or respect you.

9) The timing of the request is off.

10) They are suffering from trauma.

Recap:

Related Episodes/Blog Posts:

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Teaching With Heart S. 4 Ep. 51

If you’re teaching with heart, you’re bound to feel strong emotions. Listen to this episode to learn how to stay heart centered while keeping your emotions in balance.

Show notes:

Episode Summary:

In this episode:

Introduction:

Emotional Extreme #1: Pride and Disappointment

Emotional Extreme #2: Hope and Fear

Emotional Extreme #3: Connection and Isolation

Emotional Extreme #4: Love and Heartbreak

Recap:

Quote:

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Tips for Giving and Receiving Advice

S. 4 E. 49

Listen to this episode to learn what to do when you are the receiver of unsolicited advice and how to best give advice that will be welcomed by others.

Show notes:

Episode Summary:

In This Episode:

Introduction:

Why do people give unsolicited advice?

So why, if advice can sometimes be hurtful, do people give it?

How to respond to unsolicited advice.

How to give advice that will be useful and welcome.

Recap:

Quote:

Resources mentioned in this episode:

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Enjoy Self-care and Build Empathy with Books that Transform E.39

Listen to this episode to learn more about how you can engage in guilt free self-care while reading books for pleasure that will help you grow in empathy for others.

Show notes:

Episode Summary:

In this episode:

Here are our books that will help you to build empathy and transform your world view:

Recap:

Share this:

The Enneagram Harmony Triads S.3 E.38

Listen to this episode to learn how the Enneagram Harmony Triads can help you find balance in your life.

Show notes:

Episode Summary:

In this episode:

What is the Enneagram Harmony Triad?

How the Harmony Triads work:

Let’s look at examples of the 8, 5, 2 Triad.

Examples of the 1, 4, 7 Harmony Triad:

Examples of the 3, 6, 9, Harmony Triad.

Recap:

Related Episodes/Blog Posts:

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