Real Self-Care Ep.16

  Real Self-Care    S. 2  E.16

 

Listen to this episode to learn more about how you can stop using faux self-care practices and start making choices that will create real self-care and more authentic living.

Show notes:

Episode Summary:

Have you ever been frustrated by self-care?  Maybe you can’t find the time to indulge in a yoga class or journaling or meditation. Or maybe you can’t afford a spa day, a massage or even a latte. Do you indulge in self- care only to find that it feels good for a moment, but you quickly wind up stressed once again?  Some of these things MIGHT be real self-care for you, but what does that look like?  How do you know if it is real-self care?

In today’s episode were going to talk about real self-care.

In this episode:

We hear it all the time, we should be practicing self-care.

We’ve tried them all…yoga, meditation, journaling, practicing gratitude, coffee drinks, scented candles, bubble baths or steam showers.

And then there are luxury sheets, organizational systems to organize your home or classroom, and gorgeous planners with beautiful quotes and inspirational stickers.

These are all self-care things that make you feel good for a few minutes. There is nothing wrong with them. They can help us cope and help us deal with our stress.

Many self-care strategies give us the illusion of control- or the illusion of relaxation. But at the end of the day, they are helping us deal with the symptoms of our exhaustion and burnout and stress- not the cause of it. It is like continually takin aspirin for a headache and never trying to figure out why you have a headache in the first place.

And to make it even worse- if you can’t manage to get enough self-care in with your ever growing to-do list it feels like one more failure.

Have you ever felt stressed over your self-care activities?

Self-care can cause a lot of guilt because we feel like if it isn’t working, we are to blame.

Faux self-care

Self-care has become an industry. It is a product to be marketed and sold. It is everywhere.

Instagram has dozens of self care hashtags #selfcare has 73 MILLION posts.

Clearly we are look for self-care help.

In her book Real Self-Care, Dr. Pooja Lakshmin  discusses the self-care problem. We have massive focus on self-care and thousands of products available to help. And yet is doesn’t seem to be working.

Dr. Lakshmin describes the current state of self-care as faux self-care- self care that is incomplete at best and manipulative at worse.

Dr. Lakshmin compares faux self-care to empty calories- devoid of substance, like a quick sugar high. It feels good in the moment but doesn’t nourish us in the long haul.

Most things we think of as self-care, are really faux self-care. There is nothing wrong with these activities or products- but they are remedies, not the way to fix the problem in the first place.

In her book, Dr. Lakshmin says that real self-care is an inside job. It is different for every person, and once you figure out what YOU need, it changes your self-image, your relationships, your workplace and your community.

What we have to do is stop focusing on the symptoms and focus on the root causes.

Real Self-care

What is real self-care? It’s a verb, not a noun.

It is connected to your internal decision making and the choices you choose to make in your life.

Real self-care allows you to get your needs met- in your relationships, in your family and in your work.

Real-self care brings you closer to yourself and what is most important to you.

Dr. Lakshmin says “Real self-care…is not a one -stop shop like a fancy spa retreat or a journaling app, it’s an internal process that involves making difficult decisions that will pay off tenfold in the long run as a life built around the relationships and activities that matter most to you.”

Real self-care involves …

• setting boundaries
• learning to treat yourself with compassion
• making choices that bring you closer to your true self
• living a life aligned with our values

This requires asking some tough questions and making hard choices. It also requires that we examine our relationship with guilt and shame. It is difficult work, and at first, it seems easier just to buy a scented candle.

The biggest question to focus on is why? Why are you choosing a self-care activity? For example, two different people choose to take a yoga class for self-care.

Mandy signs up because her friends are into yoga and she thinks she should get in on it too. She finds that it is an escape from her stressful life for an hour a couple of times a week. It is social, and she likes being with her friends, so she keeps going. When her friends can’t attend, she doesn’t go either. She doesn’t really miss it. She is experiencing faux self-care.

Trisha also takes a yoga class. She goes once a week, but wishes she could go more often. She loves the quiet, contemplation and always leaves feeling deeply nourished. Trisha’s yoga is true self-care.

It is not about the method, the activity or the product you buy, it is about what the experience does for you. One person’s piano practice is painful and boring, another person’s piano practice is fulfilling and life giving.

One person’s candle is a pleasant orange scent. Another person’s candle is the brand her mother always had burning when she came home from school and when she comes home and lights her candle it reminds her of her mom and the happy time they spent after school talking about their day. The scent  makes her home feel warm and inviting. It makes her feel calm and relaxed.

Real self-care is less about adding things to your life than about understanding your place in the world and what you need to walk through the world feeling fulfilled.

How do you find what real-self care looks like for you?

Align your actions with your values.

• Get in touch with your values. Take a values assessment. Your values are your hearts’ deepest desires. They include descriptions of how you want to live, how you want to interact with the world and how you want to feel when you are with yourself.
• Knowing your values helps you eliminate the “shoulds” and focus on what is right for you.
• Your values are what is unique about you, they are as unique as your fingerprint.
• Holding your values and working within them is always self-nourishing.
• When you align with your values, you will be doing fewer things that matter most to other people and more of the things that matter most to you.

If you want to do some activities to help you clarify your values, the book Real Self-Care is full of helpful activities.

Other examples:

A spa experience might not be about the spa treatments.  If spending time with people nourishes you, then a spa day with friends might be what you need.  The value is spending quality time with the people, not the specific activity.

If you highly value learning and growing,  quiet time with a book is self-nourishing.

If you love to learn about new places, travel can be a form of self-care. It is all about asking what does this activity do for me and how is it connected to my values?

Learning to Set Boundaries

Another form of real-self care is setting boundaries.

• Consider what you need and want and leave space for that.
• You teach people how to treat you by what you allow or don’t allow.
• You can let the phone go to voice mail or leave the email for a day. This gives you time to read and reflect, and make thoughtful decisions.
• Realize that you do not have to attend everything. Your children do not have to be in every activity.
• Recognize that you are not in control of how others feel or they will react. That is theirs to own.
• Do not let what others might think of you drive your decisions. Listen to your own heart and your own instincts.
• Practice with small things so you can handle the big boundaries.

Dr. Lakshmin says, “Every boundary you set is a reminder that you have agency over how you spend your time and ener

Treat Yourself with Compassion

Real self-care includes treating yourself with compassion.

• Self-compassion is the lens with which you view yourself.
• We often mistakenly think that compassion comes from the outside when we do good works, it actually comes from the inside.
• Sometimes good enough is okay. B or C+ effort is enough.
• Be willing to accept help, support, love and kindness.
• Rest- you don’t earn it rest- it is a medical necessity.
• We all have the inner mean voice that constantly criticizes us. Learn to silence that voice when it is too harsh.

 Recap:

True self-care is an inside job. Self-care is not a temporary escape from life’s stresses. It is not a product that you can buy or a place that you can go. Real self-care is different for each of us. We find it by connecting our choices and actions to our values. Real self-care involves making difficult decisions that will pay off in the long run as we build a life around the relationships and activities that matter most to us. When done well, real-self care is empowering.

Quote:

“ Real self-care…is not a one -stop shop like a fancy spa retreat or a journaling app, it’s an internal process that involves making difficult decisions that will pay off tenfold in the long run as a life built around the relationships and activities that matter most to you”

“Self -care is an inside job.”

“Every boundary you set is a reminder that you have agency over how you spend your time and energy.”

Dr. Pooja Lakshmin

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Real Self-Care (Crystals, Cleanses, and Bubble Baths Not Included)  by Pooja Lakshmin, M.D.

Related episodes and blogs:

Inspired Together Teachers podcast episode 6 Set Priorities to Take Back Your Life

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