Is This Change Worth Fighting? S.4 E.54

Listen to this episode to learn when to accept change and when to fight it.

Show notes:

Episode Summary:

When faced with change, do you ever find yourself wondering if this is a change worth fighting? Have you ever found yourself torn as to whether you should accept the change in front of you for what it is, or whether you should stand up and fight against the change?

It would be exhausting to fight all the changes in our lives. However, there are some battles worth fighting. In this episode we explore how to know which changes are worth your time, energy and resources to fight.

This is the third in a special four-part series where we are exploring ways to make change easier. Today we are discussing which changes to accept and which to fight.

Introduction:

“Nothing is permanent except change.” Those are the wise words of the Greek philosopher, Heraclitus, around 500 B.C. They still stand true today.

Of course Heraclitus wasn’t experiencing the constant technological and pedagogical changes we face as teachers on a daily basis but some of the changes he was referencing over 2000 years ago are still around- deaths, births, marriages, job changes, and moving to a new city are just a few.

In the constant barrage of change, do you find yourself coming up with reasons why a thing won’t work? Are you poking holes in the idea before it even happens? Or do you ever just pretend it is not happening, do your own thing, and then get upset when others eventually force you to join the bandwagon?

Here is the hard truth- while some change is good, all change (whether good, bad, or indifferent) can be overwhelming. There are new things to learn, new ways of thinking to embrace and there are bound to be moments of discomfort and overwhelm. Our natural responses often want us to choose fight or flight to cope. However, with all the changes going on around us, it is important to remember that “You can’t fight them all.”

Yes, you can and should take a stand and advocate, just not for everything. If you fought all of the changes taking place in your life you would be left feeling physically and emotionally exhausted all day every day. It is not humanly possible to win the fight against every change, so you are setting yourself up for lots of failure and disappointment if you try and fight all the changes.

That is why we are dedicating this episode to choosing your battles wisely. We don’t want you to lay back and accept all changes, nor is it wise to fight them all. However, it is important to discern which battles to fight and how to best go about doing that.

How do you know when a change is worth you allocating your time, energy and possibly even resources to?

Let’s talk about some suggestions for choosing which changes to fight and also some advice to consider once you have chosen to fight a change.

Let’s start with looking at ways to discern which changes to fight.

Address only those issues that really matter.

Our first suggestion is to address only those issues that really matter.

Ask yourself, “Is this a ditch worth dying in?”

Or, ask yourself “How does this battle align with my values?”

If this change threatens something that you value, for example your family or your personal privacy, it should be more worthy of your time and attention than one that does not so closely align with what you value in your life or your work.

Knowing you only have so many days to walk on this Earth, ask yourself if the change in front of you is worth even one of the precious breaths you will take.

Is it worth 10 breaths worth of time? 10 hours of your time? 10 weeks?

Would you be willing to fight this change if it took 10 years? Your time and energy are precious commodities and you don’t want to waste these resources on a battle that does not really matter to you or the people you love.

For example, if the district is making changes to the dress code policy and several meetings have been planned to fight the change, is it worth your time for several nights away from your family? Are you okay fighting the change if it is only one meeting vs a fight that could go on with the school board for a year?

Sometimes choosing to fight a change can also cost you financial resources.

Ask yourself if fighting this change is worthy of you potentially giving of your financial resources.

There are things that really matter in your life and things that don’t.

If the change negatively impacts something you truly value, then it matters. If it only minimally impacts what you value, or doesn’t really impact what you value, then don’t fight it. Instead use the time and energy toward the things and people you value in your life.

Another suggestion is to ask yourself a series of questions to determine the pros and cons of fighting this change.

Sometimes we can be really excited about something until a friend or family member starts asking us questions, brings us back down a bit, and then we see that maybe we were just getting excited in the moment and that those questions forced us to slow down, take a deep dive into our thoughts and feelings, and maybe brought our feet back down to the ground a bit.

It is important to ask yourself some serious questions to help you discern whether or not to fight the change.

An article published by Forbes called “How to Pick Your Battles: Four Key Questions to Ask”, suggests you ask yourself the following questions:

Is this your battle to fight?

If it is someone else’s battle, or someone else’s change to fight, let them. If it is not your battle to fight, walk away. If it is your battle and it matters to you, stick with it.

For example, some parents jump into every battle their child has. The downside is that the child doesn’t learn to fight their own battles.

For example, let’s say a school committee has been formed to share the ongoing frustrations with the new reading curriculum. You are not on the committee but you feel like they are not moving fast enough. There are eight teachers on the committee. Is it your change to fight or can you leave it to them?

What difference will winning this battle make in the long term?

If you choose to put your time and energy into fighting this change, what difference will it make in the long run, even if you win the battle? If this is just one small battle in the War of Change, how important is this battle and will it be worth it for what the fight will take from you?

What happens if I lose this battle?

This is where you can run a cost and risk analysis. What happens if you give it your all and lose? What happens if you give it your all and win? Is the cost of fighting the change worth it to you if you might lose?

Here is an example. Your neighbor has made a change to their yard that is an eyesore to you. You nicely tell them you don’t like the change, and they declare they will not change it back. You do have the option to try to force them to change it back. However, if they ignore you, and you then get the homeowner’s association or the city ordinance involved, will it be worth it to be on bad terms with the person you live next to?

If you don’t fight this battle, regardless of whether you win it or lose it, will be you be able to live with yourself afterwards?

This is where your conscious comes in. This is a tough question and may just be the one to help you decide to fight a change or not. You need to be able to look in the mirror and be able to live with the decision you made.

How have changes like this impacted me or my loved ones in the past?

Think about the past, study it, but don’t be held hostage by it. In what ways is this change different than in the past? In what ways is it the same?

If you do chose to fight a change, here are a few suggestions to ensure it goes as smoothly as possible:

If you do choose to fight a change, you want to make sure that your advocacy goes as smoothly and effectively as possible. Here are a few suggestions to make sure your advocacy against the change works the best it can and takes the least amount of toll on you as possible.

Sit with the change and don’t react emotionally.

This can be really hard to do, because if something matters a lot, you can be very emotional about it. When our emotions are running high, we are probably not using our brains center of rational thought and reasoning- our pre-frontal cortex. We are likely reverting to the amygdala, which is often called the lizard brain, because it takes over in a fight for our lives and shoots out all kinds of hormones which make us fight or flee or anything else to keep us safe. We’ve all said or done something we regret when we act when our emotions are taking over.

Try to make change at the appropriate time and place and with the appropriate people in the room.

It doesn’t do a lot of good to fight a cause in the wrong circumstance or when the person or people who have the ability to fix the issue aren’t even there. If you are angry and upset about a new school board policy, it isn’t helpful to come home and yell at your family.

Have the data ready to back up what you are saying.

You need to use good and critical thinking here. Is it real data? Does it come from a reliable and knowledgeable source? Can you show the research or facts in some way? In a time of change when emotions run high, people will use opinions and pass them off as facts. This is often where we see hyperbole passed off as fact, “All the parents in the school are against this!” That is not likely a fact. A fact would be that we surveyed parents and our data showed that 76% of parents are against this. Then be ready to show your data. That makes you credible.

Generate possible solutions.

Go in to any discussion with ideas for change rather than just complaining. Administrators especially like to hear solutions rather than just complaints.

Work with a group and brainstorm.

Compromises might be a great place to start. See if you can find a middle ground to help everyone save some face and feel “ok”, if not great, about the level of change.

Have an exit strategy, a point where you can step back and step out of the fight.

The point where you are starting to feel like you are getting into this fight much more than you are willing is when you should exit. Have a strategy for this exit. For example, you might have a key phrase such as, “I am okay to step out at this point. I will cut my losses and put my efforts towards other things that matter more to me.”

Even if you have decided this is a change worth fighting, and have given it your all, there is still a chance you will lose the fight.

You will need to accept it for what it is and then move forward. Do not carry around anger or bitterness. Don’t consider the loss a reflection of yourself or your efforts. Many times, even when we want to fight something, it was never ours to win.

It is important to choose which battles you want to fight and which ones you can let go. Change is happening, you can’t fight them all, which changes will you fight?

Recap:

There are times and places to take a stand and advocate against a change. However, if we fought all of the changes taking place in our lives we would be left feeling physically and emotionally exhausted all day every day. It is important to choosing our battles against change wisely. Discerning which battles to fight and how to best go about doing that will make all the difference.

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