Intention vs Impact S. 3 E. 33

Listen to this episode to understand the different between our intention and our impact and how to be proactive in making a positive impact.

Show notes:

Episode Summary:

Have you ever had good intentions for your word or actions, only to have them fall flat? Have you ever been well-intentioned but the impact you left was not at all the positive experience you had hoped to create? Maybe you have been on the receiving end of an interaction that left a negative impact on you, though you know the other person likely had good intentions. In this episode we are exploring the gap between intentions and impact- what it means, what to do when impact does not align with intentions, and how to be proactive to avoid those unintentional negative interactions.

In this episode:

Throughout this episode we give many personal examples, listen to the recording if you want to hear all of the examples. Here, we give a summary of the content.

It is not unusual to hear stories about good intentions that go bad.

In fact, it happens so often that there are lots of common phrases about good intentions:

Thomas Edison said: “A good intention, with a bad approach, often leads to a poor result.”
Oscar Wilde said: “All bad art is the result of good intentions.”
Or you may have heard the common saying, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
If you ever heard of or watched the 80’s television show, Lavern and Shirley, you probably heard the word Schlemiel in the opening theme song. Schlemiel is a Yiddish word that describes a person who has good intentions but always makes things worse. Schlemiel is often pared with Schlimazel, who is a person to whom bad things happen. (“One, two, three, four… Schlemiel, Schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. “)

These are just a few examples of how commonplace it is that good intentions can often lead to bad impacts. In this episode, we are exploring the gap between our intentions and the impacts that our words and actions actually have on others. We will also explore what we can do when our impact falls short of our intent and then finally we will discuss ways to be proactive so that our intentions actually align with our impacts.

The difference between intent vs impact

Intent- is what we intend or mean to do. It is the purpose that drives our words or actions. It is what we hope to achieve.
Impact- is the result of our actions, what is experienced by the other person. It is the consequence of our words and actions. You can’t always control how the other person receives your words or actions.

As you have probably experienced, we all have times in our lives when what we meant to have happen and what the other person experienced was worlds apart.

For example- a well meaning colleague might say, “Wow! You look fantastic today. What is the occasion that you decided to look so professional today?” Our reaction might be, “ouch, do I usually look unprofessional?”

Or a when someone comments, “Your hair looks really good ” and you are left wondering if your hair usually look bad.

Sometimes, intent vs impact occurs in actions, rather than words. For example, you offer to carry coffee for a friend but accidentally spill it all over and they are left without a coffee. Your intent was good. The impact was not. This is an obvious example but it is not always so obvious.

Another example is sarcasm. Unless you know the person well, it can be very difficult to judge whether they are sincere or just being sarcastic.

Giving student feedback is in this gray area. You mean your feedback to be helpful and you give them lots of notes about how they could improve. You see it as growth mindset and that you are investing in the student’s future by helping them get better. They see it as you are hyper-critical or even mean.

On the other hand, if you withhold your feedback, you are doing them a disservice, which could be interpreted as being uncaring. You don’t know the experiences or mindset the student has, and it can be difficult to judge their response.

It is important to note the difference between intent and impact in our communication because if we don’t identify the huge disconnect that sometimes happens between the two, we will never be able to cross that divide.

Once you start thinking about this disconnect, you will see it everywhere. It is like when you buy a new car and then you suddenly see that car everywhere.

Which is more powerful- intent or impact?

IMPACT carries more weight than intent for the receiver. The receiver may judge the sender of the message, or react negatively, because of the impact they felt, regardless of the intent.

On the opposite side: INTENT carries more weight than impact for the sender. If you are the sender of the message, you judge yourself by the intent.

There is a definitely a disconnect that needs to be bridged between the two or both sides are left feeling upset.

In so many of our daily interactions with colleagues, students, family members, and friends, the intent is good but how it lands, the impact, is less than desirable.

What to do when intent and impact do not align

What should you do, or not do, when you find yourself in a situation where your intent was different than the impact?

Let’s start with what you should NOT do. First, and foremost, do NOT get defensive.

For many of us, that is our natural reaction. We try to defend ourselves because after all, we don’t have a bad intent.

When you find yourself in a situation like this, don’t get defensive in explaining that the negative situation was not your intent. It doesn’t matter if it was your intent or not, the receiver having to hear you talk about your intent in a defensive way does not bring understanding or a sense of resolution.

Own your mistake, and the impact it had, then apologize.

It is really tempting to be defensive and say things like,

“That’s not what I meant….I didn’t mean to…or…I’m sorry but…”

Instead, you could say,

“I own this miscommunication. The impact you felt was not in alignment with my intent. I apologize.”

You should also avoid getting defensive if you find yourself on the receiving end of words or actions that have a negative impact on you. For example, if a colleague who had good intentions said something to really offend you, avoid becoming instantly defensive.

Practice being more empathetic. There is a great quote from Indra Nooyi that fits well here,

“Whatever anybody says or does, assume positive intent. You will be amazed at how your whole approach to a person or problem becomes very different.”

Instead of getting angry and defensive, practice being more empathetic and consider that the sender of the hurtful words or actions had good intent. It is hard to be so angry at someone when you assume positive intent.

Attempt to understand the other’s perspective- why and how it landed like it did.

An example is with texting. Texts are short and cryptic. You can’t see emotions, and it is hard to read someone’s tone. Yet you probably recognize the limitations of that texting brings, and assume the best.

3 ways to be more proactive about intent vs impacts to prevent misunderstandings

In her 2021 Forbes Article, Teresa Hopke, CEO of Talking Talent, suggests three ways to be more proactive about intent vs impacts to prevent misunderstandings.

1. Use the timeless advice of “think before you speak.”

Hopke suggests that when you find yourself wondering if you should say something, take a quick mental inventory before you start to speak. Consider the way you are feeling. Are you feeling frustrated, tired, hangry, or facing burnout? If you’re having a tough day in the classroom and at home or if you got little sleep last night, that can impair your judgement and make you less thoughtful than you normally would be. This is not an excuse of course, but it is something to be aware of. So before you make what you perceive as a well-intended comment pause and ask yourself…what is my intention and is there anything about what I intend to do or say that could be misperceived and leave a negative impact on the receiver?

2. Always be willing to make a meaningful apology.

In her Forbes article, Hopke notes that communicating a meaningful apology is a skill and a remarkable character trait. We are all human and we are all going to make mistakes. If you know and accept this, then you will be ready to extend a meaningful apology to repair any harm. Take responsibility for your part in the misunderstanding and apologize in a way that:

Acknowledges specifically where you went wrong
Describes what you will do to resolve the situation
Sincerely expresses your regret

3. Remember that your response is your choice.

It is inevitably that someone is going to say something off-putting. Sometimes it’s obvious when a colleague, student, family member, or friend says something harmful. At other times, ill intent is shrouded in talk about policy or even in compliments. Sometimes things are said out of ignorance because the speaker is truly not aware. Whatever the case, the impact it could have still matters.

When something does come up, you get to decide if you want to address the situation directly or to handle it a different way.

Hopke says, “No matter the circumstances, and no matter what others think you should do, your response is your choice. And at the end of the day, you are the one that must look yourself in the mirror and decide if you showed up as the person you intended to be. Choose wisely and intentionally.”

We talk about this all the time on this podcast- you get to decide, you can make choices, you aren’t not a victim. You can live with intention.

We would like to add 2 more suggestions to this list.

First, research your audience if you do not already know them well. You can avoid negative impact by better understanding who you are talking with and how your intentions, no matter how great, might be perceived.

For example, do a little research before talking with parents that come from a different culture. Check for words or phrases that you shouldn’t use because they might be offensive.

Finally, we suggest that you be clear about your intent upfront. You don’t have to apologize later, if you are clear upfront that your intent is good natured and that you want to be helpful.

With the student feedback example we gave earlier, let students know that you will be giving them a lot of feedback and that it is meant to help them, not to cut them down. Remind them that the purpose of feedback is growth, and that you have their future growth in mind.

Your honesty upfront will be appreciated by those on the receiving end.

Recap:

So many times in our lives, there is a disconnect between our intent and the impact it has on the other person. Miscommunications like these are inevitable. However, we can choose how we respond when these uncomfortable situations arise. We can also proactively try to prevent misunderstandings that occur when the intent does not match up with the impact. We can also always assume good intent on the part of our coworkers, students, families and friends!

Quote:

“Whatever anybody says or does, assume positive intent. You will be amazed at how your whole approach to a person or problem becomes very different.”

Indra Nooyi

“No matter the circumstances, and no matter what others think you should do, your response is your choice. And at the end of the day, you are the one that must look yourself in the mirror and decide if you showed up as the person you intended to be. Choose wisely and intentionally.”

Teresa Hopke

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say – 3 Ways To Align Intent And Impact (forbes.com)

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