Conquering Criticism S. 3 Ep. 45

Listen to this episode to stop fearing your critics and conquer criticism! 

Show notes:

The following is a summary of this episode. To experience the entire show, please listen to the episode.

Episode Summary:

Fear of criticism can be a powerful deterrent in our lives. Do you have a fear of failure? Are you afraid to let your real ideas and preferences known? Do your fears of what people will think ever hold you back from living a life you want to live? If any of these things are true, you might have a fear of criticism. Today, we’re talking about how to cope with and conquer criticism.

In this episode:

Fear of criticism is powerful because the criticism doesn’t even actually have to occur for the fear to set in. Just the memory of past criticism or the potential that people will not like or understand us is enough to shut us down.

Perfectionism is one sign of fear of criticism.

Many of us fear criticism. Nobody likes being criticized, but some people have people have a particularly strong fear around it.

According to thought leader and marketing guru Seth Godin, people aren’t afraid of failure. What we are really afraid of is criticism. We choose not to try new things, launch new initiatives, or say something remarkable or audacious because we worry that we will be called out. We worry that someone will hate our ideas. We don’t want to be laughed at or to feel foolish if someone remarks on something we have done.

You may have had a negative experience like that, and it changed your future behaviors.

That is why we are often afraid to step out of the box, to put new ideas into the world and to express our true feelings.

Fortunately, you can overcome fear of criticism.

Let’s look at some of the issues around fear of criticism and how we can overcome them.

Fear of criticism keeps you from sharing your ideas.

Have you ever been in a class or a workplace situation where a question or idea was shot down? Chances are, you learned not to speak up because you might get knocked down as well.

Holding back is sometimes safer than opening yourself up to possible criticism. We may not give our most genius selves to the world, but neither will we allow the world to crush us.

At work, this often shows up as not speaking up and sharing our ideas. Have you ever been at a faculty meeting and withheld a thought or idea?

We don’t want to be told, “that’s a stupid idea,” or “that will never work,” or “we tried that already and it didn’t work.”

It is a safe choice. It also keeps your unique ideas from getting into the world.

The next time you are hesitating to speak, take a few minutes to answer these questions:

Could my ideas offer something of value?

If you are thinking them, there is something there. Let it  out into the world. Not everything will stick, and that is okay.

What is lost if I don’t speak up? 

If it matters, it is worth bringing up your idea.

What if they don’t like my ideas? 

If people don’t like your ideas, that’s fine. You can’t please everyone. If they question your ideas, you  know they heard you. You know you said something worth remarking on.

What is the worse that could happen?

You might find that the worst thing that could happen is that someone will disagree with you or won’t like your idea. If that is the case, could you live with that? Usually, the answer is yes!

You worry about what people think.

This thought likely comes from someone saying this phrase to you as a child. It was meant as a reproach, as a way to stop you from doing or saying something. You may even have used this phrase yourself.

Why are we so afraid of what people think? Do we really care what they think? Sometimes, the answer should be no.

Too often, we worry about what people we don’t even know will think. Have you ever put on a clean shirt to go to the grocery store? Do you really care what the cashier thinks? Will they even notice?

Asking this question can be very liberating.

What other people think about us is none of our business.

That is an audacious and bold statement, and you may disagree. It takes confidence to let go of worrying about what other people think. After all, you can’t control what someone else thinks.

Sometimes you are your own worse critic.

External critics aren’t our only worry. Many of us also have a strong inner critic running rampant in our own head. Our inner critic is responsible for stopping us from doing many of the things we want to do.

It is easy to stop yourself from doing something. What if it doesn’t work out? What if they don’t get it? What if they think I am a narcissistic, raving lunatic?

Ask yourself what benefits you will get from whatever it is you are afraid to do. If the benefits outweigh the risks, it is worth a chance.

Tell that bully in your head to go away.

Then, commit. Believe. Go all in.

Reframe criticism as feedback.

Sometimes what we perceive as criticism is meant to help us, not to reprimand us.

Learn to listen to feedback without becoming angry or defensive. Even if you don’t agree with the feedback and didn’t invite, it might be an opportunity for growth or development. Ask yourself, “what can I learn from this?”

You might want to check out podcast episode 44, Finding Optimism in Silver Linings where we talk about finding the good in negative circumstances.

For example, put yourself into the shoes of a student. We are giving students feedback all day every day which they could easily interpret as criticism even if that is what we didn’t intend. Give ourselves the same expectations that we have for our student.

Don’t take everything so personally.

It is easy to take criticism to heart. It feels like a personal attack. It bruises our ego, which feels threatening.

Sometimes criticism is not about you. You don’t always know what someone else is going through. Maybe they are having a bad day and just need to vent, and you were the person in front of them.

The curt email from the principal might mean that she is super busy, not that she is upset with you.

Your friend didn’t text you back? She’s not mad at you, she just hasn’t seen it or she got interrupted before responding.

Discern if the criticism is worth your time and energy.

First of all, you listen. Then you analyze. It is true? Is it valid? Is it helpful? Is it for your improvement?

If it is worth listening to, act on it, if not, let it go.

Conclusion

We leave you with this quote for today from Aristotle, “There is only one way to avoid criticism: Do nothing, say nothing and be nothing.”

That’s no way to live. Instead, dare to be above average, original, and unique.

Recap:

Fear of criticism can cause us to hold ourselves back and play small. When you avoid doing things that potentially cause you to be criticized, you are also withholding something value from the world. Use criticism as an opportunity for learning, and recognize that it is not always about you. You can conquer fear of criticism!

Quote:

“There is only one way to avoid criticism: Do nothing, say nothing and be nothing.”

Aristotle

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Godin, S. (2008). Tribes: We need you to lead us. New York: Penguin Group.

Related Episodes/Blog Posts:

Inspired together Teachers podcast episode 44 Finding Optimism in Silver Linings

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