If you have been teaching for any amount of time, or have successfully navigated your own education, you understand the importance of building relationships with your students.

Building relationships is even more important today, as we work with students who regularly disappear into their electronic devices. We also deal with many challenging students, and many districts have been focused on working successfully with students who have experienced trauma.

We know that building relationship with students is vital to their success. Like it or not, students will learn more from teachers who have taken the time to build a relationship with them. As relationships grow, student motivation increases and behavior problems decrease.

There are hundreds of community building activities and strategies to help you build relationships. We have often talked about them on the ITT blog. These activities are useful, but sometimes you might not need them. You might just need relationship building 101.

In the past year, as I have watched and worked with my stray rescue cat, Sassy, I realized that building a relationship doesn’t always have to be complicated.

When my cat Cozy died, her buddy Gatsby moped around the house. They had been best friends, and Gatsby seemed sad and lonely. We decided to get another cat from the Humane Society.

I should have known that my choice was fraught with challenges. I found “Maybelle” isolated in a room away from the other cats. She had been found, skinny and starving, in a heavily trafficked urban neighborhood. She was medically fine, but non-cooperative. She refused to eat until she was given an appetite stimulant.

On the day I found her, she had eaten, and thus, her status was changed to “adoptable.”

I loved the way her eyes watched me when I walked into the room and followed me as I moved around.  When we let her out of the cage, she climbed onto a cat tree, but wouldn’t come near. She watched us carefully, more curious than afraid. She let me pet her for a second before moving away.

I am not a first- time cat Momma. I’ve had several rescue cats, including feral kittens. Those big green eyes and curious looks had me from the beginning. I was up for the challenge. She came home with us.

Advised to keep her isolated at first, we put her in the guest room. She ran under the bed and refused to come out. I made sure she had food, water and clean litter. She did not eat. She would not let me touch her.

This went on for days, and then weeks. She could not be tempted by cat treats. I would sit in the room with her, on the floor with a book or my computer, so that she could get used to me. She watched me, always curious, but did not come near.

After two weeks, I feared she would starve to death. I would have taken her back to the Humane Society but I could not get near enough to her to pick her up. She was feisty, and her claws quickly turned into weapons.

“It’s like she’s a stranger,” I remarked to my husband.  “A stranger in a new country.  A Sassenach.”

Sassenach is the Gaelic/Scottish word for foreigner, a word which I’d picked up from the books and TV series Outlander.

We dubbed her Sassenach, but due to her belligerent personality, she quickly became “Sassy” for short.

I started bribing her with cat treats. She would look at them, and appear interested but would not take them. I started leaving them in the room when I left, and eventually, I found them gone in the morning. The cat treats kept her alive.

Eventually we became friends. Now she follows me everywhere, often just happy to be in the room with me.

How did we move from being wary and distant to being friends? In the same way that we can build relationships with students.

How can you build relationships with students?

Notice them.

From the beginning, Sassy watched me. I watched her back. When she was in hiding, I would peak at her under the bed but not try to grab her or bring her out. Even now I will catch her looking at me to see if I am looking at her. She wants me to notice her. She will raise her head so I can pet her.

Don’t we all want to be seen? We don’t want demands, but just to know that someone has noticed us.

Do you notice your students?  How do you let them know you see them? Maybe it is with a smile or a nod. Perhaps you remark about their new shirt or ask about their dog. When you notice, you acknowledge that you care. You are building trust.

Call them by name.

When Sassy was at her most frightened, I quietly called her by name. She learned her name quickly. Now she comes when I call her.

Most people also like to be called by name. In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie said, “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”

It adds only a second to call students by name. They will notice and appreciate it.

Be patient.

Relationships aren’t always built overnight. It took months to build enough trust with Sassy that she would let me pet her. Now she falls asleep on my lap.

You will want to build relationships with students quickly. Some students will need time. Don’t give up on them. Be patient.

Be consistent.

I spend a few minutes with Sassy every morning and every evening. I feed her at the same time. I buy the same food, the same cat treats and the same litter. I keep her favorite blanket on the chair. Security is important to her. I can’t change whatever happened to her when she was living on the streets, but I can give her creature comforts with consistency.

Many students like to know exactly what is going to happen. They thrive on structure. Despite whatever challenges they must deal with in their lives, you can be consistent in your approach with them.

Celebrate small, quick wins.

I couldn’t hold Sassy for months, but I celebrated close approximations. If she came out from under the bed while I was in the room, I left a cat treat. If she took a step toward me, I rewarded her with another little treat. My approach was classic positive reinforcement, but it worked.

We can celebrate small quick wins with students as well. Draw a smiley face when yesterday’s 61 becomes today’s 65. It may not be where you want it to be, but there is progress.

Change their day.

I often wonder what had happened to Sassy on the streets, and know she must have been frightened. I try to make her day pleasant. I leave cat toys laying around. The first thing in the morning I open the shades because she loves to look out. On nice days, I open a window. I’ll talk to her as she follows me around. She doesn’t need much but to know that she is safe, have her basic needs met, and something interesting to do.

We can’t control what has happened to students in the past. We can’t even control what will happen to them in the future. But we can make their day pleasant. At the end of the day, what they really need is to know they are safe, to have their basic needs met and have something interesting to do.

What about you? Do you have simple ways of building relationships? We’d love to hear what you do to build relationships with your students.

Our best,