Being Seen, Heard, and Understood: The Power of Validation
Season 6 Episode 82
Listen to this episode to learn how you can use validation to acknowledge and bring out the best in yourself and others.
Show Notes:
Episode Summary:
Have you ever had a moment when you truly felt seen and heard…when you realized your thoughts and feelings were recognized as worthwhile? That validation, when we give it or receive it from others can be life-changing. The validation we give ourselves can be just as important as the validation we receive from others.
In this episode we explore why validation from others and ourselves matters and how you can increase the validation you experience and give in your life. Stick around as we explore the topic of validation in today’s inspiring episode.
Introduction:
Validation. It is a topic we have addressed indirectly several times in our 80+ podcast episodes, but this is the first time we have dedicated a full episode to it, the first time we have named giving and receiving validation as an essential component in living your best personal and professional life. Today we want to explicitly name and explore it, what validation is and is not, and we will also discuss why we all need to give and receive validation.
What prompted us to give real thought to validation was reading the transcript of Oprah’s commencement speech at Harvard in 2013. Her words, when she talked about validation at that commencement speech, are important to us as teachers, parents, friends, and family members. Instead of paraphrasing, we will read you Oprah’s powerful words.
I have to say that the single most important lesson I learned in 25 years talking every single day to people, was that there is a common denominator in our human experience. Most of us, I tell you we don’t want to be divided. What we want, the common denominator that I found in every single interview, is we want to be validated. We want to be understood. I have done over 35,000 interviews in my career and as soon as that camera shuts off everyone always turns to me and inevitably in their own way asks this question “Was that okay?” I heard it from President Bush, I heard it from President Obama. I’ve heard it from heroes and from housewives. I’ve heard it from victims and perpetrators of crimes. I even heard it from Beyonce and all of her Beyonceness. She finishes performing, hands me the microphone and says, “Was that okay?” Friends and family, yours, enemies, strangers in every argument in every encounter, every exchange I will tell you, they all want to know one thing: was that okay? Did you hear me? Do you see me? Did what I say mean anything to you?
Wow! Those are powerful words, aren’t they? Presidents and Beyonce are asking for validation? Those are people we think of as powerful, confident, and self-assured and they are asking for validation. Truly, we all want to be understood, to be acknowledged, to be heard….all of these are a part of being validated.
Validation- What it is and is not
By definition, validation is the recognition or affirmation that a person, their feelings, or their opinions are valid or worthwhile. It is the feeling you get when others recognize that you are right or good enough.
When we feel validated we truly feel like someone has heard us, they saw us, and they thought we, or our contributions, were useful or were good.
This is a good time to clarify that there is a difference between recognition and validation. Validation is honoring the person or their ideas. Recognition on the other hand, is more of an acknowledgement of something that a person did. For example, if you win the race, you get the recognition with a trophy. Recognition is based on your achievement. Validation is a stronger and more meaning connection than just recognition. Validation doesn’t require an accomplishment. Validation appreciates the person behind the accomplishment.
Validation is implicit in building relationships and recognizing the strengths in ourselves and others. Many times, when we think we are validating that a kid is a good kid, we are actually recognizing an accomplishment and we’re hoping that they make the connection that we are also validating them. Not all kids, or even all adults, are able to make that natural connection. That is why it is so important that we aren’t just recognizing people, but we make sure that we are validating them as people.
Here is a good example of the difference between recognition and validation. We have both won teaching awards. An external entity determined that we were good teachers and recognized us with awards. We like our awards, don’t get us wrong. They hang on our office walls. However, the validation we have didn’t come from external reviewers. The validation came when a student said we made a difference in their life, when a parent said they felt we really took the time to care and love their child, when our teaching partner hugged us and thanked us for helping her through a tough time. That is validation. See the difference? The recognition is good. But the validation drives us and can be life-changing.
There are two different types of validation we need in our lives- validation from others and validation from ourselves.
A lot of teachers recognizing the validation from kids. They have those notes and drawings that remind them that arey are making a difference.
Validation from Others
Whether we like to admit it or not, we seek validation from other people. This DOES NOT mean that you should be a people pleaser all the time or that you should do things only for others to tell you that you are right. However, it is important for all of us to know that someone sees, hears and finds us worthy.
Validation creates positive feelings. Validation can make us feel a sense of harmony with others or with our environment. As teachers, you have seen that look on a child’s face when you tell them they matter or their thoughts are legitimate and valuable. Their whole presence and body language changes when you validate them or their feelings. You also know that student is now more likely to share future ideas and be vulnerable with you. You build trust with them through validation. The same is true in our families, friend groups and communities.
Paula: I was in a work situation once, where there was a lot of tough work to do for a project. It was work I really liked to do. It played into my skill set and I did it well. I felt successful at what I was doing. When the task was done, several colleagues pulled me aside and told me that things went so well with the project because of what I brought to the group. They specifically mentioned my ability to see the big picture and still be able to complete the details. I felt like they really saw me, they saw what I was capable of and willing to do. In turn, I validated them. I truly felt validated and I still have a bond with those work colleagues from years ago.
Michele: Those times when we hear validation are so important to our mental attitude and our sense of self-worth. I can also speak to the opposite of that- when you don’t get validation for something you have worked really hard on, or when you sense a lack of appreciation or even that someone doesn’t even notice you. That is hurtful. I remember a time when not only was my work and the resulting achievement not acknowledged, another person took credit it for it. That changed my relationship with that person forever. There was no validation whatsoever for me, and it was hurtful.
We need validation to feel a sense of belonging with others. Why would you want to stay working at a place where you never felt validated? That isn’t a positive environment. Would you want to teach in a classroom where the kids don’t trust you or each other because they never feel validated? Of course not. We want to be in a environment where we feel a sense of belonging with others.
Validation does not mean that everyone has to agree or approve. You can still have a different opinion and communicate acceptance of the other person’s feelings. That is true acceptance.
It is our right and responsibility to give and receive validation from others. Our ability to give validation is a part of a two way communication in which both parties feel their point of view was heard and acknowledged. It is what solid and positive relationships are made of.
Look for opportunities, at work and at home, to offer more than just recognition. Offer validation to make sure that co-workers, students, friends and family know that you see and understand them. It’s not just saying, “good job.” It is in recognizing something specific in another person and making sure they know you see them and understand them.
Validation from yourself
While it is necessary to get that external validation, we also have to learn to accept our own thoughts, feelings, experiences and ways of being as valid. That means we have to self-reflect and observe ourselves and our feelings without judgement.
We have talked frequently about building self-confidence and a big part of this is validating that your thoughts and feelings are real and meaningful.
Self-talk or having a mantra can help a lot with this. Analyzing and naming your feelings can help you to validate that your feelings and reactions are understandable. Just like you have to be observant to validate others, you need to sit back and be non-judgmental in observing yourself as well.
Michele: This one is really powerful for me. I have often been the person who sits back, listens and observes and then creates plans or programs or takes action. I know how to fly under the radar and still do work that is impactful. Flying under the radar means that you don’t always get noticed. Your validation comes from within when you recognize your contributions and have a strong sense that what you are doing matters. Your work or the way you show up in your life aligns with your values and it allows you to live out your beliefs. For me, that understanding has been a driving force in my life. I would not be able to do what I do without that self-validation.
Paula: For me, journaling has really helped with this self validation piece. So has mediation. When I sit and observe my feelings, and name them in journaling or mediation, I then have some internal dialogue that goes something like, “Yes, those are exactly what you are feeling. And your reasons for those feelings are all valid reasons. Any reasonable person would feel the same in the same situation. You are doing great with what you have. Way to go.” It’s silly, I know, but that self-talk after journaling or mediation provides a great validation for me.
Both of us gave an example that shows how we were able to answer the question in the Oprah story, “was I okay?” You don’t have to wait for someone else to tell you the answer, you can answer it for yourself.
In order to validate others and to give ourselves self-validation, we need to be present, to listen, to recognize and to legitimize the feelings and experiences that shape a person.
When we do these things, and offer validation, the person feels cared for, supported and accepted. Relationships are built and harmony becomes a way of living. Who doesn’t want that in their work and personal life?
We end with this quote from Grammy nominated singer and songwriter Mary Gauthier, “When you see validation for a life’s work and dedication, it’s a beautiful day.”
Recap:
We all deserve to be truly feel seen and heard. We all need moments in our lives when our thoughts and feelings are recognized as worthwhile. That validation, when we give or receive it from others can be life-changing. The validation we give ourselves can be just as important as the validation we receive from others. Validation only requires that we be present, listen, and recognize the feelings and experiences that shape a person. We all have the power to do that.
Quote:
“When you see validation for a life’s work and dedication, it’s a beautiful day.”
Mary Gauthier
Related Episodes/Blog Posts:
The Enneagram Types 8,9, and 1
The Enneagram Types 2, 3 and 4
The Enneagram Types 5, 6 and 7
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